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‘You might want to listen to the FBI’ was the advice coming from experts last night as Sepp Blatter and FIFA came under investigation following evidence of corruption during the World Cup bidding process. Governing bodies across Europe advised that whilst it’s one thing to completely ignore claims from people not carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons, it’s completely another thing to ignore claims from people carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons.
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The team behind constructing all of those stadiums that won’t work for the Qatar 2022 World Cup project have revealed findings that show cold air is not the solution to warm air. A group of architectural experts have come together to discover that placing air conditioning in a football stadium will effectively work the same way as placing a household fan next to an iceberg to try and keep it frozen.
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England money siphoner Fabio Capello has expressed his delight that the national team now have something to focus on, after the 2014 World Cup qualifying draw made on Saturday overshadowed the fact that the Italian is already very close to ballsing up our next international campaign in 2012. The former Real Madrid money siphoner claimed whoever takes his place during England’s next bid for glory should probably not fall quite so much in love with Gareth Barry.
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A two year old child using toy brick blocks to assign FIFA rankings has chosen England ahead of Brazil in the overall world standings. Little Tommy, a prodigy of Sepp Blatter who started ripping open brown envelopes at just six months, was given the responsibility of hand picking FIFA’s crucial ratings list which helps determine seeds and groups during World Cup draws and the like. Using his small playset of colourful bricks he enjoys to stack, he grabbed hold of England fourth before drooling all over the block and trying to take a bite out of it whilst screaming.
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FIFA Vice President Jack Warner has angrily rejected claims from former World Cup bidding chief Lord Triesman that he would ever consider taking money for votes claiming ‘what you talking about Willis?’ From his luxury yacht overlooking his private tropical island being rubbed down by Russian masseurs and splashing around in gallons of free Qatari fuel Mr Warner said ‘what?…Prove it.’
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FIFA and UEFA look to set to announce that your TV will be hosted in Russia after appealing to the European Court of Justice to allow them to sell tournament broadcast packages to other stations than just free-to-air channels. The bid is the latest in FIFA’s attempt to own every single note of currency in the World and Sepp Blatter, commenting from his volcanic layer said it was ‘in the interest of absolutely no one but me to make sure this legislation goes through.’
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The English World cup bidding team were accused of double standards last night, after criticising the FIFA executive board of corruption only to reveal we tried to bribe the living s*** out of them. Mayor of London Boris Johnson has rescinded an offer for the FIFA team to stay at no cost in the Dorchester Hotel whilst the Olympic games took place in 2012, whilst Pizza Express and other high street chains have also announced that any buy one get one free food vouchers used by Blatter will not be valid.
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It always sounds fairly hollow when a loser, in the heat of the moment, criticises the system and blames anything and everything around them for defeat. Just watch the years of highlights featuring Arsene Wenger blaming random items from the pitch to his tie to see that. So it’s awkwardly that I broach the subject of the World Cup bids, like so many have tried to do this week.
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England are to pretend like they’ve never even heard of football as part of their next World Cup bid in 2022, which will focus mostly on developing sophisticated robots who can dispense money whilst gently kissing the bottoms of FIFA executives. Having spent millions of pounds constructing a feasible bid to compete for the 2018 tournament the English team came away with just two votes out of a possible twenty two and were told that FIFA were looking to expand football into areas with lots and lots of oil money.
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A spokesman for the Russian World Cup team has expressed alarm after discovering his bid of £2 million was the highest offer in the FIFA ‘fill my pockets’ competition. There is now real concern in the country, who based their campaign around archive footage of potential nuclear test sites taken by American spy planes in the 60s, and a football they confiscated from the Ukraine, that they’ll actually have to stage the event.
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