West Ham to try buying Olympic lake instead

On October 11, 2011, in News, by editor

West Ham United will try buying the Olympic ready Dorney Lake in Eton after their attempts at securing the 2012 Olympic Stadium collapsed last night. Club chairman David Gold has insisted that whilst playing in water could be a pretty big obstacle, he also maintained that with Sam Allardyce, the ball rarely stays on the ground anyway.

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We’re all just a bunch of Sepp Blatter wannabes it was confirmed last night, after investigations were launched into allegations of bribery relating to West Ham’s successful Olympic Stadium bid. The Olympic Committee, who famously bribed the Olympic board to win the Olympics four years ago, have now been caught taking money themselves in exchange for personal preference over Tottenham Hotspur’s slightly lower offering of money.

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‘Ghost town still preferred’ says court

On June 24, 2011, in News, by editor

A court has told Tottenham Hotspur and Leyton Orient that a ghost town populated only by David Gold singing half time karaoke is still preferred over having to re-open all those books and take another look at their decision. A judicial review found that the appeal to contest West Ham’s move to the Olympic Stadium had no grounds whatsoever and was interrupting severely with watching old episodes of Murder She Wrote.

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‘Does this count as silverware?’ Ask West Ham

On April 22, 2011, in News, by editor

West Ham United have asked for special permission to climb some stadium stairs and lift Scott Parker’s football writers player of the year award trophy aloft in front of their fans, in a bid to finally use their new trophy cabinet bought by David Gold over a year ago. The Hammers, who are currently fighting a tough relegation battle, want to host an open top bus parade around East London to let fans see what something shiny and trophy-esque looks like.

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Fake North Koreans part of Olympic legacy plans

On February 11, 2011, in News, by editor

A group of travelling Chinese supporters posing as North Koreans will make up part of the Olympic legacy plans today when the committee confirm it will present the stadium to West Ham United after the 2012 games. The ‘Beijing bellowers’ made famous by their relentless use of clappers at the World Cup in South Africa have been drafted in to fill some of the 50,000 empty seats that can be expected when West Ham take on Scunthorpe in the Npower Championship.

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The Olympic Park Legacy Company have strapped Leyton Orient to an office chair and locked them in a nearby stationery cupboard with word surfacing that the committee are set to hand over Olympic Stadium keys to West Ham after 2012. Orient had been set to contest the award, which they claim will virtually wipe them out as a football club, but were last night thrown into the back of a van by Seb Coe and David Sullivan and driven to an abandoned warehouse in East London.

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Phone tappers and print paparazzi were holding their hands up with a look of embarrassment today after West Ham United confirmed they were set to sign Gary O’Neil from Middlesbrough. As the news broke several senior editors, who had mistaken the transfer earlier this month as a managerial swoop for former Villa boss Martin, reportedly sat down on their chairs and continually pummelled their heads against their office desk until worried onlookers forced them to stop. One anonymous editor said ’shhiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!’

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League One side Leyton Orient will look for a stadium relocation to Tottenham if Spurs are granted rights to the Olympic Stadium in Stratford according to reports. Not to be outdone West Ham have said they’ll move to Leyton if their bid for the stadium fails whilst Chelsea and Arsenal have conceded they’d be up for one big Royal Rumble in the middle of Aldgate somewhere, if everybody’s up for it.

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The Olympic Committee has warned Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham United not to get caught up in a bitter feud over the Olympic Stadium, after concluding that travellers are already likely to have moved in to squat by the time any builders show up. The chief executive of Newham council Kim Bromley-Derry claimed ‘an air conditioned field?…This is a travellers version of heaven; they’ll smell it a mile away.’

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The owners of West Ham United are now 100% behind manager Avram Grant, providing he stands on that big red cross over there and waits for the sound of a falling piano, David Gold said last night. After the board had firm rejection letters from Martin O’Neil, Mr Chips (star of 80’s hit Catchphrase) and a piece of lettuce, the former Birmingham City owners concluded that Grant was undoubtedly the right man to lead the club forward.

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