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The Beatles have announced they’ll almost come back, but actually won’t. The decision to almost come back was made official by Sir Paul McCartney who went on to say ‘we nearly did, but actually f*** it, no let’s not.’
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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has revealed plans to stick hapless defender Laurent Koscielny upfront and tell him to defend AC Milan’s goal. The tactic is a last ditch attempt to score 5 goals past their Champions League opponents and Wenger has advised Koscielny to mark Robin Van Persie.
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On the ropes manager Arsene Wenger has been forced to give Arsenal’s trophy cabinet to the authorities after evidence of under nourishment and obvious neglect.
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Arsenal defender (sort of) Johan Djourou is to take up an admin role at the Emirates Stadium in a bid to boost his value to the club. The former Bambi stunt double finally confessed that he’d exaggerated his glittering CV somewhat, and had actually been doing data entry work before his move to Arsenal in 2004.
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Arsene Wenger has called on his team to treat every game from now until the end of the season like one of those cup finals they never, ever win. In a rallying call to his team he said not finishing seventh was still viable so long as everybody else suddenly started doing really crap and they managed to pick up some kind of point against West Brom or someone.
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Officials have revealed that the UK’s airwaves were a mere 45 minutes away from complete and utter meltdown last night, as livid Arsenal fans prepared to call phone-ins and list all of the reasons why Arsene Wenger sucked so much. The north London club came back from 2 goals down in their FA Cup fourth round fixture to save the chaos and a senior official at the National Grid said Robin Van Persie had prevented ‘an explosion of tedious shit.’
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Thierry Henry’s loan move to Arsenal could be in jeopardy after Arsene Wenger admitted the ‘insurance stumbling block’ was actually him awaiting a free toy from his comparison website. The Frenchman, who is known for his attention to detail has refused to complete the move until his meerkat from Meerkovo reaches his front door.
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Arsenal’s back line is held together by a mixture of gaffer tape and double knots boss Arsene Wenger has revealed after the structure very nearly collapsed at Craven Cottage yesterday afternoon. Wenger claims he got assistant Pat Rice to take a look some years ago when he realised there was a gap forming somewhere in the central lining of the back four.
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New York Red Bulls forward Thierry Henry has vowed not to mention the whole ’statue outside the ground thing’ in the dressing room unless Per Mertesacker really is playing that shit. The French star, who became an Arsenal hero during his previous spell at the club is set to sign a two month loan contract which will see him arrogantly stick his nose up at Alex Song and claim ‘that’s not how Patrick used to do it.’
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Arsene Wenger has insisted that he won’t be leaving Arsenal for many thousands of eternities yet, after claiming to be misquoted in a French newspaper when questioned on his future. The Emirates boss reportedly said he’d consider his position at the end of the year but the Frenchman insists that not even an alien attack or a zombie apocalypse would stop him blaming a referee in front of a camera.