The DA: About Us | Subscribe
From The Offside: UEFA Champions League | Premier League | La Liga | Champions League Tickets | Noticias de Futbol
From World Cup Blog: Euro 2012 Qualifying | 2012 Africa Cup of Nations Qualifying | USA Soccer
Manchester United star Wayne Rooney has made a pledge to boss Sir Alex Ferguson that he will finally get round to taking some English lessons, in a bid to curb his bad boy image. The former Everton youngster, who identified the word ASBO as a breakfast cereal believes his chances of winning over the national media would be significantly greater if he spoke their native language, and has appointed a personal tutor to coach him after training.
Continue reading »
Under cover video footage has caught the Football Association making executive decisions using boardgames such as MouseTrap, Buckaroo and Hungry, Hungry Hippos. A board meeting was filmed deciding not to punish Wayne Rooney for a retrospective elbow sighting after the plastic Buckaroo mule named Roo kicked out in dismay after only the second round of placing items on his back.
Continue reading »
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed he is not concerned with Wayne Rooney’s goal drought, admitting there is a clause in the England star’s contract that says he won’t score goals for less than £500,000. The former Everton front man tried to convince United to part with £1million a week to cover running, passing and scoring but was eventually haggled down to just the £250,000 for the effort of putting on a shirt and getting a bit cold.
Continue reading »
Everybody can love Wayne Rooney again it’s been revealed, after the £250,000 pound a week player had the ‘bottle’ to step up and take a penalty against some Sunday League footballers in a completely pointless game. Some sections of the Manchester United crowd had still been somewhat against the idea of the former Everton man taking home more money a week than they’ll earn in a lifetime but since the discovery that Rooney can score a goal against a really mediocre team without anyone trying to tackle him, normality has been restored.
Continue reading »
Manchester United striker Javier Hernandez confused the nation last night after to claiming to have played for something called ‘the team.’ The Mexican forward popped up twice to score the crucial goals in United’s victory at Stoke whilst star striker Wayne Rooney was rolling around in his own money at a hotel complex in Dubai. When interrupted to be told the score Rooney replied ‘that doesn’t look much like a mojito in your hand does it waiter?’
Continue reading »
An angry mob gathered outside Wayne Rooney’s £4 Million pound mansion have asked him if he’ll consider leaving the keys, and the security code to the entrance gate, when he departs for Real Madrid. The gang of around 20-30 hooded supporters started chants of ‘can you leave your white goods Wayne?’ and ‘bedroom number one, shotgun shotgun number one’ at around 20:30 on Wednesday evening.
Continue reading »
The media have apologised to supporters after forgetting to mention the fact that any football was played last night, such was the excitement with the news that an arrogant, spoilt player wants to become an even more arrogant, spoilt player. Sky Sports News have set up a special ‘Where’s Wayne’ backdrop in their studio and intend to cut there for breaking news every time Wayne Rooney goes to a chippy near Chelsea.
Continue reading »
The government look set to announce today, despite big cuts in defence spending, that an extra £200 million will be put towards trying to ensure Manchester isn’t a crumbling wreck of fireballs come the January transfer window, after it was revealed Manchester City are the only club willing to pay for Wayne Rooney to install a fully operating strip club in his front lounge.
Continue reading »