Abramovich uses precog to fire Benitez

On March 5, 2012, in News, by editor

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has used ‘Precog’ technology, as seen in the Hollywood movie Minority report, to fire new manager Rafa Benitez after the former Liverpool boss look set to lose his opening match against Birmingham City. The Precog was seen to leap up in shock screaming ‘Nooo, not Marlon King!’ before swaying from side to side and repeating the word ‘fact’.

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Andre Villas-Boas left home alone

On November 24, 2011, in News, by editor

Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has been left home alone after his family flew to France for a holiday and forgot about him, it’s been revealed. The former Porto boss is currently speaking to old, homeless men at churches for life advice and putting on far too much aftershave as he fights to stop Roman Abramovich entering his house with a P45.

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