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Chelsea have played down sightings of Roman Abramovich bringing a sniper to training and watching intently on a nearby hill after reporters suggested it may be a bad sign. A club spokesman maintained that Abramovich was merely taking interest in his club and had in no way targeted Fernando Torres with a sniper gun ‘more than a few times.’
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Chelsea have completed an unsuccessful round of offering former footballer Fernando Torres to charity shops. Stamford Bridge boss Andre Villas-Boas claimed the Spanish international was even hidden under a large collection outside a shop door late at night, only for the owner of the store to smell a strong whiff of failure from his bedroom and demand the removal of the striker.
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The concept of swapping Fernando Torres with Tottenham ace Luka Modric is probably the most hilarious thing of 2012 so far according to Spurs boss Harry Redknapp. The White Hart Lane chief claimed that making such a trade-off would make him the laughing stock of the Premier League and added that he’d be more inclined to trade some magic beans for Roman Pavlyuchenko.
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Chelsea goal avoider Fernando Torres is to dress up like Ashley Cole’s new wife, in the hope that nobody asks him to play football anymore. Francesca Torres-Cole will be in the stands for the weekend game at Newcastle United and has promised to talk about Versace, pout her lips and gossip about Cole’s genitals to the Daily Star. The move comes after the £50 million man finally realised that aiming a ball in a straight direction is simply not possible with modern day physics.
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Chelsea Manager Andre Villas-Boas has set hapless striker Fernando Torres the target of simply hitting some kind of town, in an attempt to boost his confidence in front of goal. The £50million pound forward was seen to miss a finish a Scalextric car could’ve converted on Sunday forcing the former Porto boss to lower his expectations of where Torres can actually kick a football.
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A pair of football boots have been fined by Chelsea, after claiming their owner Fernando Torres is s***, slow and prone to smelly feet. The outburst came on a Spanish radio station in which the boots told presenter Juan Momente-Calla ‘why couldn’t we be owned by Ross Turnbull? At least that way we’d be kept clean. Sitting on a bench being rubbish is one thing but running around skying things over the bar is just embarrassing.’
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Uefa rubbed further salt into Chelsea’s wounds last night by insisting they would’ve quite happily parted with the Champions League trophy for anywhere in the region of £50 million. President Michel Platini was keen to stress that whilst he would’ve hated to see an English team lift the prize, he’d much prefer to see his offshore bank account full of lots of zeros, and has urged Stamford Bridge owner Roman Abramovich to simply send a brown envelope with a smiley, rich looking face on the front next year.
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Bookie William Hill has priced a pitch invading bear more likely to score than Fernando Torres in tonight’s crucial Champions League quarter final against Manchester United. At 1000-1, the price of a bear being first goal scorer is significantly reduced due to the betting firm maintaining that no specific bear need to be stipulated, whilst Torres stands at a long shot 50,000-1. You can also get Eric Cantona, Robbie Savage or a toothbrush from 2000’s.
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Shit strikers were gathering all the valuable possessions they could and fleeing to the nearest airport last night, after Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn revealed his north east club were being sued by a fan struck by a stray ball during training. If the flagship case is won, Emile Heskey could potentially owe £3.4million in legal damages whilst former Premier League forward Ade Akinbiyi could be forced to part with what calculates to roughly the gross domestic product of Switzerland.
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Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich will today drive Spanish striker Fernando Torres into the middle of a big field and let him be free the club have confirmed, after the World Cup winner failed to be domesticated successfully into his London environment. The Russian billionaire claimed it was one of the hardest decisions he’d ever had to make, as a weak Torres will be forced to fend off wild prey like foxes, or possibly even a badger, but Abramovich concluded it was either that or flushing him down a toilet.
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