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A business has reported a profit after selling stuff at a reasonable mark-up, thought to be the first situation of it’s kind in the UK. Arsenal Football Club took two assets they had purchased several years previously and sold them to customers at a much higher cost, delivering the profitable results and leaving Prime Minister David Cameron to call the strategy ’simply remarkable.’
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Football clubs across the country are facing a race against time to ensure every product imaginable has at least one club logo on it in time for Christmas, research has revealed. A special team of retail experts have joined forces to list every single item currently available on the market before working out the best place to stick a football crest on it and add an extra couple of quid to the price.
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‘Ummmm, seriously guys they’re right behind…’ ’shhhhhh, just ignore them’ were the words coming out of Manchester last night after Newcastle United kept up their unbeaten run to go third in the Premier League table. Fans of both Manchester clubs are now debating as to what point they should start actually accepting that Alan Pardew exists and that Demba Ba is quite clearly playing better than Wayne Rooney.
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A historic deal was penned by the Football League last night to sell Premier League sides youth team players from the side of the road for a knock down price. The 92 clubs decided that every second Sunday the M6 would become a one stop shop for players under 17 who can dribble a football. The initiative will replace the old, clunky method of Premier League clubs being forced to give Football League clubs some money.
A spokesman for the top flight said ‘whilst it was great stocking up on all of this talent and storing them in our cupboards for the future we were starting to notice the costs were stacking up a bit. With this agreement we can just slip the road side seller a fiver and be on our merry way. Nobody likes to pay for things so this evidently works out well for all parties…Except the other one.’
Hade Nuff, a lower league fan from Reading added ‘when will the Premier League just go insert themseleves into their own bottoms? Break away, ban relegation, go play in Thailand, just p*** off and leave me to watch my football in peace would you.’
Somebody did something to ruin football last night it’s been revealed after some journalist from Sky said we were all f***ed. Experts have predicted that whatever the thing that’s going to ruin football is will be ’substantial, deadly, and almost certainly painful’ adding concern to the already building speculation that Titus Bramble may now not be able to get £30,000 a week for slicing balls into his own goal.
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Your whistlestop guide to the weekend’s football action:
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Just to check off all the stats to ensure the Premier League we know and love is truly back:
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With the Premier League kickoff fast approaching we started thinking about a time saving way of reading through all the reviews and predictions. So like anyone who couldn’t really be bothered to read we instead turned to pictures! And moving ones at that. To get a basic understanding of how the supposed top six is going to turn out, we’ve chosen one film moment for each club that is likely to sum up their season:
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A football website that you may or may not know has threatened to sue Twitter after users breached a super injunction taken out at the high court and named the URL as the perpetrators of positive comments about Emile Heskey shortly before the 2002 World Cup finals in Japan. The super injunction had been granted to prevent any embarrassment to the online football blog after allegations that the creators had once said Heskey was a ’solid front man’ but Twitter users have been naming and shaming the accused for the past 48 hours.
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