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Former Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has vowed to fly kick French President Nicolas Sarkozy right in the face if voters support him in his new election campaign. Cantona is set to run in this year’s presidential election and the football/movie star has outlined his main policies based around shooting seagulls and growing more beard.
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Prime Minister David Cameron has declared today a national holiday, in an attempt to boost the unstoppable mocking being aimed at both Manchester United and Manchester City. The two clubs were introduced to Channel 5 last night by watching re-runs of Home and Away, a session which left Sir Alex Ferguson crying into his bottle of red wine.
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Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson will be sat down today and talked through the concept of a fairytale, after the Scotsman described his 205 years as Old Trafford chief as such. Senior literature figures will explain the subtle differences between Steve Bruce banging in a 9th minute injury time winner against Sheffield Wednesday and some reformed goblins getting their leg over a princess.
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Manchester City fans are set to travel to London on mass this morning, in a bid to find a Manchester United fan they might be able to mock. A large group were searching much of central Manchester last night with no success and gloaters have been tipped off that many supporters at the Old Trafford game yesterday may be disguised in their new Arsenal or Chelsea kits somewhere in Kensington.
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Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has told a television interview that television has too much power and that it should be stopped at all costs. Speaking ahead of this week’s Champions League game, due to be televised so that everybody can see it, the Scot claimed ‘if TV wasn’t powerful I wouldn’t be able to sit here and tell you how powerful it was and get everybody’s attention…Do you see how f***ed up that is?!!’
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Stable owner Michael Owen will get a once in a lifetime chance to pretend he plays for Manchester United after Sir Alex Ferguson revealed he really didn’t care at all about a Carling Cup game against Leeds. Owen, who often uses Twitter to make believe he drives around on the same team bus as the Old Trafford first team tweeted ‘I can’t believe it! I actually get to wear the shirt and everything!’
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Manchester United are giving businesses the chance to sponsor ‘nap time’ at Old Trafford after revealing that the corporate logo deals for training kits, shower towels and Wayne Rooney food bibs have all been taken. Logistics company DHL were the last to snap up the available offerings committing to United training sessions (due to be shown on Sky Sports in full HD by 2014) and kicking off with the fiery classic between Manchester United XI and Manchester United U’17s, two touch.
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New Manchester United goalkeeper David De Gea has admitted playing badly in a deliberate attempt to get the Sir Alex Ferguson hair dryer treatment, which the young Spanish goalkeeper claims is better than ‘any styling gels’ when maintaining his treasured front quiff. De Gea was made aware of the discovery after flapping at a cross during pre-season only to be levelled with 3 tons of Sir Alex Ferguson spit during half time.
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Manchester United have confirmed that their new generation of steroid filled scientific experiments will hold just the same capability as their predecessors of scoring during the 8th minute of injury time. Club officials have admitted that Sir Alex Ferguson uses a training method in which a fourth official board triggers a hypnotic, subliminal message to his players that they’ll all turn into Titus Bramble unless they score before the final whistle.
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Football fans were outraged this morning, after hearing ludicrous suggestions by Bryan Robson that football is now nothing more than a business set out to make lots of money. Furious supporters bombarded phone-ins and social media sites to demand Robson be sacked from his Ambassador for Manchester United role claiming that they don’t pay their hard earned cash on season tickets for someone to try and suggest clubs are taking their money.
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