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Manchester City jester Brian Marwood has suggested that international football will kill the Premier League, not traipsing around the planet playing pointless games for lots of advertising money. Marwood believes that players are being damaged by the amount of minutes they’re being forced to play and is also concerned his jester hat isn’t quite funny enough.
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Mario Balotelli is a dick again, until he does something awesome like take a piss in a school canteen reports have revealed. The headline making Manchester City forward took time away from his busy schedule of wandering round Manchester doing weird stuff with no facial expressions to play some football and kick someone in the head, leaving spectators to question ‘that didn’t seem so wicked awesome?’
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Prime Minister David Cameron has declared today a national holiday, in an attempt to boost the unstoppable mocking being aimed at both Manchester United and Manchester City. The two clubs were introduced to Channel 5 last night by watching re-runs of Home and Away, a session which left Sir Alex Ferguson crying into his bottle of red wine.
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Manchester City want away Carlos Tevez has refused to be suspended causing uproar around the football world. City boss Roberto Mancini told the former Manchester United star of his ban in a private meeting to which the Argentinian shook his head angrily before turning to punch Pablo Zabaleta. Tevez later released a press statement saying ‘I didn’t refuse to be suspended. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some training to do; big match Saturday.’
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Still has leg
There was shock this morning after video replays revealed that Owen Hargreaves did manage to kick a football last night without crumbling into hundreds of tiny little pieces. Medical experts say the feat is ground-breaking, given that his leg is now held together with some extra strong Prickstick and a couple of staples.
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Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli is to be investigated by anti-mafia officers after the Italian forward was found to leave a horse head in Roberto Mancini’s bedroom and warned fellow forward Carlos Tevez that if he was not careful he’d end up ’sleeping with the fishes.’ Balotelli is also likely to be questioned on his extensive purchasing of cotton wool buds and slack braces.
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Football experts and Gary Neville were left stunned last night after one of Manchester City’s new signings didn’t actually play that bad. The £38 million pound striker surprisingly did what he was supposed to do and scored some goals against a newly promoted side whilst looking like he was really, really trying; a feat yet to be pulled off by any of City manager Roberto Mancini’s previous acquisitions.
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Manchester United have confirmed that their new generation of steroid filled scientific experiments will hold just the same capability as their predecessors of scoring during the 8th minute of injury time. Club officials have admitted that Sir Alex Ferguson uses a training method in which a fourth official board triggers a hypnotic, subliminal message to his players that they’ll all turn into Titus Bramble unless they score before the final whistle.
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Manchester City have allowed want away striker Carlos Tevez a further week to find a decent hiding spot before coming after him with a big net and a taser gun. The club’s counting to 100 deadline was set to come to end on Thursday morning but officials say they’ve agreed to close their eyes for another few days after Tevez’s original hiding place was ousted by the Sunday papers.
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Manchester City have confirmed that rich people also scratch their private parts and play FIFA for days on end, after revealing that half of their first team squad have pulled out of their pre-season tour to go planking. Planking, a new internet craze which sees people lying flat in a number of obscure locations is the modern day equivalent to taking a Subbuteo man and seeing if he’ll set on fire using just sunlight and a magnifying glass.
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