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Manchester City fans are set to travel to London on mass this morning, in a bid to find a Manchester United fan they might be able to mock. A large group were searching much of central Manchester last night with no success and gloaters have been tipped off that many supporters at the Old Trafford game yesterday may be disguised in their new Arsenal or Chelsea kits somewhere in Kensington.
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Premier League owners last night proposed that the Barclays Premier League become a rather long high street filled with stores selling expensive football kits and novelty towel sets. A meeting of the top 20 sides saw an agreement reached that actually playing a football match was too risky for key assets and involved the possibility of ‘damaging brand.’
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Former Manchester United quiet man Paul Scholes has decided he wants to make up for lost time and comment on absolutely everything, according to Paul Scholes. The ten time Premiership title winner told everybody he could possibly get round to that Carlos Tevez was actually quite a nice guy, and that you should stop being such a prick.
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Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has told a television interview that television has too much power and that it should be stopped at all costs. Speaking ahead of this week’s Champions League game, due to be televised so that everybody can see it, the Scot claimed ‘if TV wasn’t powerful I wouldn’t be able to sit here and tell you how powerful it was and get everybody’s attention…Do you see how f***ed up that is?!!’
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Stable owner Michael Owen will get a once in a lifetime chance to pretend he plays for Manchester United after Sir Alex Ferguson revealed he really didn’t care at all about a Carling Cup game against Leeds. Owen, who often uses Twitter to make believe he drives around on the same team bus as the Old Trafford first team tweeted ‘I can’t believe it! I actually get to wear the shirt and everything!’
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Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his truce with the letter R, following eight years of avoiding it’s use. Ferguson famously became embroiled in a vicious argument with the alphabetic Q follower after Sesame Street’s Big Bird shouted the letter far too loudly, causing the Scot to knock over his porridge during breakfast. Until yesterday assistant manager Mike Phelan had been responsible for it’s use but Ferguson admitted it was time to make peace.
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Manchester United are giving businesses the chance to sponsor ‘nap time’ at Old Trafford after revealing that the corporate logo deals for training kits, shower towels and Wayne Rooney food bibs have all been taken. Logistics company DHL were the last to snap up the available offerings committing to United training sessions (due to be shown on Sky Sports in full HD by 2014) and kicking off with the fiery classic between Manchester United XI and Manchester United U’17s, two touch.
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Listening to a single word that Gary Neville utters is about as pointless as a chocolate teapot Gary Neville has revealed, after claiming that everything he says is complete and utter donkey nuts. The former Manchester United skipper realised his ability of inane, un-insightful drivel after suggesting that playing for his country was often as much as a waste of time as listening to Gary Neville.
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New Manchester United goalkeeper David De Gea has admitted playing badly in a deliberate attempt to get the Sir Alex Ferguson hair dryer treatment, which the young Spanish goalkeeper claims is better than ‘any styling gels’ when maintaining his treasured front quiff. De Gea was made aware of the discovery after flapping at a cross during pre-season only to be levelled with 3 tons of Sir Alex Ferguson spit during half time.
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Manchester United have confirmed that their new generation of steroid filled scientific experiments will hold just the same capability as their predecessors of scoring during the 8th minute of injury time. Club officials have admitted that Sir Alex Ferguson uses a training method in which a fourth official board triggers a hypnotic, subliminal message to his players that they’ll all turn into Titus Bramble unless they score before the final whistle.
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