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The PFA have appointed Jeremy Kyle as the independent mediator for when ‘clear the air’ talks between Liverpool and Manchester United begin. Kyle will host a one off television chat show special with the theme ‘my rival got 19 titles behind my back’ in spring time to attempt to diffuse the situation arising from the recent race row.
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Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has asked both Anfield and Manchester United supporters to only hate each other a little bit, and to show it in positive ways, like calling somebody a wanker behind their back. Ayre was speaking ahead of a potentially explosive FA Cup clash this weekend and told fans to keep the rioting down to a minimum, so that he could continue to enjoy his sandwiches in the executive suite.
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Former Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has vowed to fly kick French President Nicolas Sarkozy right in the face if voters support him in his new election campaign. Cantona is set to run in this year’s presidential election and the football/movie star has outlined his main policies based around shooting seagulls and growing more beard.
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A whole load of shit went down this weekend, with social media pages and national newspapers alike unable to keep track on which issue they wished to share outraged opinion on the most. QPR finally did what everybody knew they were going to do like a year ago, Paul Scholes came out of retirement in the space of an hour, Manchester United drew Liverpool at the perfect time to begin the whole end of the world in 2012 thing and for some reason beyond human explanation, Stewart Downing went to a night club in Middlesbrough.
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Chelsea are set to launch an audacious £50million pound bid to land Everton goal scoring ace Tim Howard, after the American goalkeeper kept up his fine goal ratio of 1 every 12 years. Stamford Bridge owner Roman Abramovich is keen to bring in a front man to end Chelsea’s reliance on Fernando Torres’ fine record of 3 goals a century.
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Kicking people is absolutely cool, don’t worry about it; so long as you make enough money for UEFA for it not to matter. That was the conclusion of yesterday’s Wayne Rooney hearing, which saw the Manchester United striker have his ban for lashing out on a player’s legs reduced from three games to two. UEFA claimed the decision was taken because ‘you know, the sponsors were getting pissed and that.’
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Prime Minister David Cameron has declared today a national holiday, in an attempt to boost the unstoppable mocking being aimed at both Manchester United and Manchester City. The two clubs were introduced to Channel 5 last night by watching re-runs of Home and Away, a session which left Sir Alex Ferguson crying into his bottle of red wine.
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Manchester City were facing the daunting prospect of Channel 5 last night, whilst the TV broadcaster smiled excitedly and ushered the North West club into their bosom. A 2-1 defeat against Napoli means a 3rd place finish in the Champions League is almost certain and City star Mario Balotelli admitted it was time to get to grips with looking a bit blurry and getting judged by Graham Taylor.
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Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson will be sat down today and talked through the concept of a fairytale, after the Scotsman described his 205 years as Old Trafford chief as such. Senior literature figures will explain the subtle differences between Steve Bruce banging in a 9th minute injury time winner against Sheffield Wednesday and some reformed goblins getting their leg over a princess.
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UEFA have delayed a decision to tell the FA in writing why Wayne Rooney was banned for 3 international matches, insisting they can find a better to express the fact that he ‘pelted someone in the leg with his right boot.’ UEFA wordsmiths are currently searching through dictionaries to find the perfect way to present the argument of ‘it was really quite a silly thing to do wasn’t it?’
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