Manchester City face daunting prospect of Channel 5

On November 23, 2011, in News, by editor

Manchester City were facing the daunting prospect of Channel 5 last night, whilst the TV broadcaster smiled excitedly and ushered the North West club into their bosom. A 2-1 defeat against Napoli means a 3rd place finish in the Champions League is almost certain and City star Mario Balotelli admitted it was time to get to grips with looking a bit blurry and getting judged by Graham Taylor.

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Top clubs spouting some more s*** about something

On November 16, 2011, in News, by editor

The fountain of s*** spoken by top club executives was leaking again last night, after some big fat guy with a nice Rolex was opening his Dom Pérignon laden mouth to talk some c*** about another thing that would benefit the big teams. (Can’t even be bothered to research his name) said some s*** like ‘Aw, but what about the big clubs, and my money?’

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Tevez found in sewage pipe

On November 15, 2011, in Uncategorized, by editor

Former Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has been found in a disused sewage pipe playing keepy uppies and colouring in a picture of Kia Joorabchian. The Argentinian forward once again made no appearance at training on Monday and the global search for his whereabouts concluded late last night when he misplaced his ball and had to retrieve it from the nearby road.

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A book based around the whereabouts of Carlos Tevez is set to be published for the first time this Christmas as retailers look to cash in on the mysterious locations of the Manchester City forward. The publication will feature 20 different crowded venues including street markets in Brazil, a bustling airport in Milan and a casino in Monte Carlo and the reader will be invited to find the camouflaged Carlos in each and every location.’

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‘Ummmm, seriously guys they’re right behind…’ ’shhhhhh, just ignore them’ were the words coming out of Manchester last night after Newcastle United kept up their unbeaten run to go third in the Premier League table. Fans of both Manchester clubs are now debating as to what point they should start actually accepting that Alan Pardew exists and that Demba Ba is quite clearly playing better than Wayne Rooney.

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Tevez still being a tool

On October 26, 2011, in News, by editor

Carlos Tevez was still adamant he wishes to remain a tool last night, after pulling a disgruntled face and considering a lawsuit against Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini all because some guy with lots of money told him to do so. The Argentinian striker, who was fined four weeks wages by his club for refusing to play football will then continue his rampage of toolness by selling an exclusive to the Daily Mirror before joining a new club and kissing their badge lots.

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Manchester City hero Mario Balotelli is to front the most reckless firework safety campaign in the history of the British safety council, after agreeing to star in an ad which sees the Italian using sparklers as a television remote in his home. With the strapline ‘just do whatever the f*** you want, okay?’ the advert has been heavily criticised for a ‘laid back’ approach to bonfire safety.

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Mario Balotelli’s thoughts on…

On October 23, 2011, in Uncategorized, by editor

In somewhat of a triumph for the DA, we now have a new feature looking at entertainment guru Mario Balotelli’s thoughts on life.

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Premier League to be 20 retail outlets selling shirts

On October 18, 2011, in News, by editor

Premier League owners last night proposed that the Barclays Premier League become a rather long high street filled with stores selling expensive football kits and novelty towel sets. A meeting of the top 20 sides saw an agreement reached that actually playing a football match was too risky for key assets and involved the possibility of ‘damaging brand.’

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Tevez faces another 8 week suspension on full pay

On October 13, 2011, in News, by editor

Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez is facing the tough prospect of another 8 weeks suspension on full pay after the club announced it would hold an inquiry into his refusal to play in the Champions League against Bayern Munich. The Argentinian will now have to cope with the thought of lying on a sun lounger, sipping a cocktail and maybe playing some golf whilst his team mates head out to take on Wigan in the middle of English November.

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