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Manchester City jester Brian Marwood has suggested that international football will kill the Premier League, not traipsing around the planet playing pointless games for lots of advertising money. Marwood believes that players are being damaged by the amount of minutes they’re being forced to play and is also concerned his jester hat isn’t quite funny enough.
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Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez has finally apologised for Manchester City following his refusal to come on in the Champions League, and now says he is willing to forgive them as long as he can join in kick abouts with them once more. The former Manchester United forward ended his exile by saying ’seriously, I quite fancy a kick about today.’
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Returning Manchester City forward Carlos Tevez has claimed Roberto Mancini treated him like a really, really rich dog during their spat which saw the Argentine flea to his country and play really difficult golf courses for four months. The former Manchester United striker claimed that for all the mansions, the signing on fees and the luxury surroundings provided, being told to ‘f***ing warm up’ was a step too far.
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Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com.
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Mario Balotelli is a dick again, until he does something awesome like take a piss in a school canteen reports have revealed. The headline making Manchester City forward took time away from his busy schedule of wandering round Manchester doing weird stuff with no facial expressions to play some football and kick someone in the head, leaving spectators to question ‘that didn’t seem so wicked awesome?’
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Manchester City executives were last night calling Carlos Tevez to say ‘hahahahahahahaha’ as negotiations came to a close with AC Milan. The want away striker was told in no uncertain terms that he now had a choice between trying something else for a profession or, worst case scenario playing for QPR.
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Media rumour starters are dying to know who Man City boss Roberto Mancini meant when he said he was targeting a ‘Ni’Inty Points’ in the new year. Enthusiasts have already checked that he doesn’t play for Real Madrid or Arsenal and have now targeted football databases around the world so that somebody can get a picture of him looking really tired at an airport.
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There was shock last night, after it was revealed that Chelsea star Ashley Cole actually managed to retort something brighter than ‘your mum’. Cole was reportedly involved in a tunnel bust up with several Manchester City players after grunting ‘Channel 5, Thursday’, a feat sport scientists are calling ’simply remarkable.’
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Prime Minister David Cameron has declared today a national holiday, in an attempt to boost the unstoppable mocking being aimed at both Manchester United and Manchester City. The two clubs were introduced to Channel 5 last night by watching re-runs of Home and Away, a session which left Sir Alex Ferguson crying into his bottle of red wine.
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Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has questioned how it is possible for two completely different sets of players to cope with the pressure and fatigue of watching a game on Sunday evening before playing a game on Tuesday. The City boss claims the sheer magnitude of a 3 hour journey on a luxury bus full of entertainment and relaxation facilities is enough to tire a man for a good 6 months.
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