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All this talk of new Manchester United signing Phil Jones is making us long for the days of Rob it has emerged, after the Blackburn defender completed his switch yesterday afternoon. With his flowing locks of blonde hair and blissfully average right foot, Jones made a 90s household feel as secure and cosy as warm bread baking in the oven and the DA was demanding to know his whereabouts as soon as possible.
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The Football Association sprung a surprise drug test on the Liverpool dressing room last night after kit man Maxi Rodriguez scored his 7th goal in three games for the Anfield side. Results of the samples will not be discovered until early June but eye witnesses on sight said it did not bode well for the Argentinean Ariel 40degrees magician when his urine was seen to be luminous orange and dissolving the tube it was being contained in.
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Liverpool Football Club have announced they are in the latter stages of negotiations with local knit work company Anne Field Ltd, with regards to naming rights for their proposed new stadium. The Premier League side have been exploring the idea of selling rights to the new stadium for some time and it’s thought Anne Field would be the ideal sponsor, despite also receiving interest from site maintenance company Good & Sons Parks.
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Stan Collymore is to host his own gardening show on a Thursday night, after Channel 5 lost all of their viewing figures in one fell swoop yesterday evening. All 3 British sides finally came out of a UEFA induced coma and realised that running around for a s*** trophy called the Europa League was not really worth it, leaving Five’s football team with very, very little to do.
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Broadcasting outcast Channel 5 have made the decision to replace live Liverpool matches on a Thursday evening with archive footage of the former European champions playing well in the 80s, a spokesman confirmed last night. Ofcom received 450 complaints of utter, pull your eyes out boredom following the Anfield side’s 1-0 win over Sparta Prague yesterday and channel schedulers believe watching Graeme Souness run around with a giant bouffant may defuse viewer unrest.
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The nation narrowly avoided having to choose between a mushy candle light dinner filled with dull conversation about maybe cleaning out the drain pipes this weekend, and the return of Champions League football, which sees Spurs take on AC Milan at the San Siro this evening. Prime Minister David Cameron insisted he’d never let such a close call happen again and vowed to change the date of Valentine’s Day to late July, so at worst, supporters can miss some pointless friendly against a Chelsea XI.
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A leading Sky Sports scheduler has been placed on gardening leave, after being declared ‘utterly clueless’ by channel executives. Sky chose the only two 1-0’s of the weekend, with Chelsea v Liverpool being voted less entertaining than QVC’s ‘killer coffee machine’ hour and West Ham v Birmingham increasing calls to the Samaritans by approximately 28%. The unnamed scheduler missed seven barnstorming games from the weekend’s action and managing director of the Sky Sports network Domye Afavor’Luv said he was forced to react.
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The general public were this morning demanding that both John W. Henry and Roman Abramovich give up being millionaires and let someone else have a go after the pair showed a clear misunderstanding of how to blow lots and lots of money. Abramovich paid £50million for a second hand goal scorer whose groin is made from paper napkins whilst Henry paid £35million for an abusive binge drinker who sports a 1970’s pornographic ponytail. In a flash survey, over 98% of the British population believe they could have found something better to spend the money on.
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Liverpool Football Club officially plunged themselves into a relegation battle last night, meaning by strict Premier League guidelines they now have to make genuine inquires for both Marcus Bent and Nigel Quashie. After the win lifted Blackpool up to 9th boss Ian Holloway said he was delighted that his side had escaped the January Quashie legislation, claiming his side can now push forward without ‘any worries’ but Anfield manager Kenny Dalglish revealed he’d spoken to the notorious relegation curse immediately after the final whistle.
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The Football Association have advised all John Connors to either hide, or find an outdated Terminator to guard over them, after it was feared a Premier League football robot had formed an opinion all by himself. Model 1293330-11, identification Ryan Babel was able to construct the concept that a referee had harshly treated his side and even managed to generate a photoshopped picture of the official in question Howard Webb wearing a Manchester United shirt. The bot then used a highly technological form of communication known as ‘Twitter’ to spread his opinion to the masses.
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