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*Warning, this announcement may cause you to keel over with laughther*
Rafa Benitez hahahahahahahahaha, sorry we can get through this. Rafa…Benitez has been lined up to replace under fire Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas it’s been reported. Oh God, can’t hold back anymore ahahahahahahahahaa LOL!! LMAO ETC.
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The PFA have appointed Jeremy Kyle as the independent mediator for when ‘clear the air’ talks between Liverpool and Manchester United begin. Kyle will host a one off television chat show special with the theme ‘my rival got 19 titles behind my back’ in spring time to attempt to diffuse the situation arising from the recent race row.
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Liverpool’s famous football stadium Anfield has been uncovered to be a bus depo after transport experts discovered that buses from all regions of the country were parking there on a regular basis. After checking the rota and examining UK routes it became clear that the Kop End of the Anfield pitch was actually the refuelling centre for bus trips to London.
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Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has asked both Anfield and Manchester United supporters to only hate each other a little bit, and to show it in positive ways, like calling somebody a wanker behind their back. Ayre was speaking ahead of a potentially explosive FA Cup clash this weekend and told fans to keep the rioting down to a minimum, so that he could continue to enjoy his sandwiches in the executive suite.
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A whole load of shit went down this weekend, with social media pages and national newspapers alike unable to keep track on which issue they wished to share outraged opinion on the most. QPR finally did what everybody knew they were going to do like a year ago, Paul Scholes came out of retirement in the space of an hour, Manchester United drew Liverpool at the perfect time to begin the whole end of the world in 2012 thing and for some reason beyond human explanation, Stewart Downing went to a night club in Middlesbrough.
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The fountain of s*** spoken by top club executives was leaking again last night, after some big fat guy with a nice Rolex was opening his Dom Pérignon laden mouth to talk some c*** about another thing that would benefit the big teams. (Can’t even be bothered to research his name) said some s*** like ‘Aw, but what about the big clubs, and my money?’
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Premier League owners last night proposed that the Barclays Premier League become a rather long high street filled with stores selling expensive football kits and novelty towel sets. A meeting of the top 20 sides saw an agreement reached that actually playing a football match was too risky for key assets and involved the possibility of ‘damaging brand.’
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Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has claimed that he respects people too much to dive, cheat and con, before kicking your shin and collapsing to the ground like a cheap table. The Uruguayan forward then poked you in the eye and called your mama ‘fat’ before adding ’seriously, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.’
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With the Premier League kickoff fast approaching we started thinking about a time saving way of reading through all the reviews and predictions. So like anyone who couldn’t really be bothered to read we instead turned to pictures! And moving ones at that. To get a basic understanding of how the supposed top six is going to turn out, we’ve chosen one film moment for each club that is likely to sum up their season:
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Fans of Liverpool football club were last night trying to prevent their eyes from burning out after being exposed to Satan reinvented as a quite nice looking football kit. The bringer of all evil had chosen to add a hint of blue on the sleeve of the Anfield club’s 6th choice away kit, prompting supporters to realise that near rivals Everton also play in that ghastly, unique colour and their path must therefore be all fiery and stuff.
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