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‘You might want to listen to the FBI’ was the advice coming from experts last night as Sepp Blatter and FIFA came under investigation following evidence of corruption during the World Cup bidding process. Governing bodies across Europe advised that whilst it’s one thing to completely ignore claims from people not carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons, it’s completely another thing to ignore claims from people carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons.
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FIFA President Sepp Blatter finally proved that the engines running without a driver last night, after claiming that nothing that exists actually exists and anything that does exist, can be settled over a nice friendly handshake with some money in it. The hapless late night Karaoke singer went on to suggest that he would be branded a ‘hero amongst mortals, following in the footsteps of the likes of Mother Teresa and Superman.’
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The team behind constructing all of those stadiums that won’t work for the Qatar 2022 World Cup project have revealed findings that show cold air is not the solution to warm air. A group of architectural experts have come together to discover that placing air conditioning in a football stadium will effectively work the same way as placing a household fan next to an iceberg to try and keep it frozen.
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Sepp Blatter organised a FIFA fair play day, here’s his quote:
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FIFA have blown the minds of mere mortals by suggesting a law that is so advanced and complicated just reading this summary might make your head explode. President Sepp Blatter has suggested that as early as 2012 a concept called ‘net-a-morphus impact shutter speed visual translation’ (code name: Goal line technology) may be possible in the real world.
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Football’s governing body FIFA have firmly laid down the law when it comes to goal line technology after banning Arsene Wenger from using the tool during the upcoming Emirates Cup hosted by Arsenal, and warning him that any attempt of any sort to try and see things clearer will result in a hefty fine to be paid directly to Sepp Blatter’s Swiss bank account. The Arsenal manager had been trying to test the technology during the friendly tournament set to be contested this month but FIFA has once again denied using ‘witchcraft’ to officiate over matches.
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We can exclusively reveal the letter sent by FIFA to Mohamed Bin Hammam banning him for life:
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Scientists and football governing bodies are still unclear as to how to complete a game of football in Qatar without 22 players melting according to reports. Suggestions had been surfacing that the Qatar 2022 World Cup winning bid team were considering splitting the game into ten 5 minute bursts of play broken up by half hourly breaks in a plunge pool of ice but FIFA have dismissed the idea as ‘not quite affective enough.’
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A two year old child using toy brick blocks to assign FIFA rankings has chosen England ahead of Brazil in the overall world standings. Little Tommy, a prodigy of Sepp Blatter who started ripping open brown envelopes at just six months, was given the responsibility of hand picking FIFA’s crucial ratings list which helps determine seeds and groups during World Cup draws and the like. Using his small playset of colourful bricks he enjoys to stack, he grabbed hold of England fourth before drooling all over the block and trying to take a bite out of it whilst screaming.
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FIFA President Sepp Blatter has thanked the departing vice-president Jack Warner for ’saving him all the time and hassle’ of a made up hearing after the offshore bank account enthusiast tendered his resignation from football’s governing body. Warner had been due to face FIFA’s ‘ethics’ committee to explore what was in all those brown envelopes stashed under his bed but the Concaf representative has promised there is really no need.
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