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Caretaker England manager Stuart Pearce is set to throw Holland a curve ball ahead of this evening’s friendly by announcing the charismatic Mr Motivator as England team captain. Motivator qualifies for English citizenship having spent much of his life in the UK and having never represented his native Jamaica at international level.
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Stand in boss Stuart Pearce has proved he’s the right man to lead England forward by doing his hair. The former Nottingham Forest captain chose a tidy side parting and even wore subtle cufflinks with ‘boss’ written on them, which he purchased from Burton’s Menswear 2 hours before the press conference.
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Nothing else matters today, just party it’s been revealed after Fabio Capello finally got un-wedged from the England hot seat. Regardless of worrying about who might come in, or what might happen at the Euros people are being reminded that a man who loves Gareth Barry is no longer England manager, and that we should celebrate that fact.
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UEFA have delayed a decision to tell the FA in writing why Wayne Rooney was banned for 3 international matches, insisting they can find a better to express the fact that he ‘pelted someone in the leg with his right boot.’ UEFA wordsmiths are currently searching through dictionaries to find the perfect way to present the argument of ‘it was really quite a silly thing to do wasn’t it?’
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A historic deal was penned by the Football League last night to sell Premier League sides youth team players from the side of the road for a knock down price. The 92 clubs decided that every second Sunday the M6 would become a one stop shop for players under 17 who can dribble a football. The initiative will replace the old, clunky method of Premier League clubs being forced to give Football League clubs some money.
A spokesman for the top flight said ‘whilst it was great stocking up on all of this talent and storing them in our cupboards for the future we were starting to notice the costs were stacking up a bit. With this agreement we can just slip the road side seller a fiver and be on our merry way. Nobody likes to pay for things so this evidently works out well for all parties…Except the other one.’
Hade Nuff, a lower league fan from Reading added ‘when will the Premier League just go insert themseleves into their own bottoms? Break away, ban relegation, go play in Thailand, just p*** off and leave me to watch my football in peace would you.’
The FA has said ‘let’s all just get shit faced’ after defending it’s policy on anti-doping tests in football. A recent Dispatches documentary revealed Birmingham City Forward Garry O’Connor served a silent 3 month ban for snorting cocaine off Birmingham mascot Beau Brummie but was not forced to go public on the matter. The documentary also highlighted how any Football League player can pass a drugs test with a standard poop bag of dog piss.
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FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced that following his successful one man election campaign, likely to come to fruition today, he will present himself with a reasonably sized trophy, let off some fireworks and then parade the silverware on an open top bus parade of Zurich. Speaking ahead of the vote Blatter claimed he didn’t want ‘to jinx it’ but felt he had done enough to steal a march on his opponent absolutely no one.
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Under cover video footage has caught the Football Association making executive decisions using boardgames such as MouseTrap, Buckaroo and Hungry, Hungry Hippos. A board meeting was filmed deciding not to punish Wayne Rooney for a retrospective elbow sighting after the plastic Buckaroo mule named Roo kicked out in dismay after only the second round of placing items on his back.
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Players and officials have been strongly advised over the misuse of social media by the FA, with the governing body claiming Twitter to be the ‘devil dressed up as an annoying little blue bird who doesn’t make them any money.’ Earlier this year Ryan Babel was fined for posting the only piece of comedic insight he has ever constructed, photoshopping Howard Webb into a Manchester United shirt, but the FA has warned this creativity has to stop.
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You want to buy a Vauxhall Corsa it was revealed last night, after the car manufacturer decided to tug on the heartstrings of the FA about some centenary nonsense to host a tournament selling cars in big stadiums. In a move that will excite absolutely no one, the home nations tournament is set to return in a one off bid to prove the roomy driving space of the latest Astra and convince you that a deposit of £5,000 really isn’t that much when you think about it.
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