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Students as young as the age of five will be taught how to kick a football into a goal net from 12 yards, as part of a new Government initiative to cut back on hours and hours of excruciating agony. In a move Prime Minister David Cameron claimed would finally put an end to the cocking up of barbeques across the country, the standard curriculum would see school children squaring up against an overly confident European goalkeeper whilst their classmates insulted their mother.
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UEFA had almost completed the draw for Euro 2012 on Monday morning, as organisers were left running out of ways to keep the audience sat down. Danish Euro legend Peter Schmeichel was last seen trying to juggle pot balls blindfolded, before drawing out a separate number for which dressing room ball number c4 would be getting ready in.
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Sixteen teams will today be left clueless as to what’s going on, as UEFA attempt to up their inept ability to make a draw look straight forward. Despite there being just four pots with four teams press are already speculating that the pick itself could involve an elephant and some kind of unstable time machine.
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Scotland are not as good at football as Spain according to some experts this morning, after the World and European champions were better than Scotland at football. Many were expecting the Scots to pull off a shock upset on the night to ensure a place in the Euro 2012 but Lesby Logical, a fact hunter from Sheffield said ‘I was not.’
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England captain John Terry has backed national rugby coach Martin Johnson’s approach to playing rugby at World Cups claiming it’s time the England football team took a punt at it themselves. Terry was speaking ahead of the completely farcical crunch game against Montenegro, which will see England try and pretend that they’re not playing Montenegro C team, and that actually the result is a really big deal.
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Fabio Capello once again imploded minds and sent journalists on a wild trip of self-discovery after revealing the hidden secret behind what makes a successful national side. The Italian guru claimed it helped to have some pride in what you were doing and that actually trying really hard for the cause could ‘be very useful.’ Critics of Capello have often suggested he does not give enough insight into his genius but yesterday’s bombshell will do no harm in restoring the faith in him.
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