‘All you do is attack’ England retort to Fabregas

On November 14, 2011, in News, by editor

‘All you do is attack, and your hair is s**t’ was the retort coming back from the England camp this morning, after Cesc Fabregas claimed that England’s defensive performance was disappointing for the game of football. The former Arsenal escapee suggested that England’s tactics were negative and ‘a footballing impersonation of Howard Wilkinson’s face’ adding that Spain were awesome, and better than you.

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Here it comes….We can do this, just give us a second…Ahhhhh this is hard. Here goes…

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England manager Fabio Capello’s method of pulling player names out of a hat have been questioned once again following an embarrassing draw which will see Frank Lampard captain England against World champions Spain. The Chelsea midfielder, who has failed to leave the centre circle for the national side going on 14 months now, will be forced to put on his serious face and try those really s*** shots he does every 5 minutes whilst Spain laugh in our faces.

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England manager Fabio Capello is to seek guidance from the Football Association as to whether his captain John Terry is a complete and utter knobhead, it’s been revealed. The Italian coach is anxious to find out whether or not he can select for Terry for upcoming international games and says his attempts to decipher the character of the Chelsea skipper using friend compatibility websites have so far proved insufficient.

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UEFA have delayed a decision to tell the FA in writing why Wayne Rooney was banned for 3 international matches, insisting they can find a better to express the fact that he ‘pelted someone in the leg with his right boot.’ UEFA wordsmiths are currently searching through dictionaries to find the perfect way to present the argument of ‘it was really quite a silly thing to do wasn’t it?’

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Capello to take Rooney for the eye candy

On October 14, 2011, in News, by editor

England boss Fabio Capello has said he intends to take Wayne Rooney to Euro 2012 so he can stare lustfully at him on the bench and wonder what he might look like in an England kit. The Manchester United striker will be unavailable for half of the tournament due to his fascination with other people’s calf muscles but Capello believes just having him around the place as a piece of eye candy will help deliver the prize.

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Rooney to miss summer but celebrates big bet win

On October 10, 2011, in News, by editor

Manchester United star Wayne Rooney admitted mixed emotions over the weekend, after Friday’s red card costing him a place at Euro 2012 also officially made him outrageously rich. Rooney, who was celebrating on his new private island called Barbados today, stuck £10million on himself to be the first player to be handed his marching orders at a cool 30/1 and managed to oblige with a cynical kick deep into the second half.

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England captain John Terry has backed national rugby coach Martin Johnson’s approach to playing rugby at World Cups claiming it’s time the England football team took a punt at it themselves. Terry was speaking ahead of the completely farcical crunch game against Montenegro, which will see England try and pretend that they’re not playing Montenegro C team, and that actually the result is a really big deal.

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Why Capello needs to go before Euro 2012

On September 11, 2011, in The Sunday Round up, by editor

This article may be too late, seeing as another international week has come and gone and been condemned to the shadows by a Saturday full of Premier League action, but having seen the apathy surrounding the Wales game, and completed probably my 700th negative piece on Fabio Capello, it felt like the right time to justify the mocking.

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England beat Wales despite no show

On September 7, 2011, in News, by editor

England were somehow able to record a positive score line over Group G rivals Wales last night, despite not turning up for the game. The 70,000+ supporters at Wembley stadium were forced to watch a Welsh side haplessly try and kick a ball into an empty net for 90 minutes only for one shot to cannon off the post and trickle all the way back into their own goal.

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