Students as young as the age of five will be taught how to kick a football into a goal net from 12 yards, as part of a new Government initiative to cut back on hours and hours of excruciating agony. In a move Prime Minister David Cameron claimed would finally put an end to the cocking up of barbeques across the country, the standard curriculum would see school children squaring up against an overly confident European goalkeeper whilst their classmates insulted their mother.

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England’s mystery captain set to be Mr Motivator

On February 29, 2012, in News, by editor

Caretaker England manager Stuart Pearce is set to throw Holland a curve ball ahead of this evening’s friendly by announcing the charismatic Mr Motivator as England team captain. Motivator qualifies for English citizenship having spent much of his life in the UK and having never represented his native Jamaica at international level.

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Stand in boss Stuart Pearce has proved he’s the right man to lead England forward by doing his hair. The former Nottingham Forest captain chose a tidy side parting and even wore subtle cufflinks with ‘boss’ written on them, which he purchased from Burton’s Menswear 2 hours before the press conference.

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EXCLUSIVE: New England kit is white

On February 23, 2012, in News, by editor


The colour white can be found in use for many things, such as hotel towels

The DA can exclusively reveal that the new England shirt to be worn at the European Championships in 2012 will be white, after leaked Wikipedia entries revealed that we play in white. The makers Umbro have gone against tradition and removed the little blue bit on the collar, so that some idiots will pay another £40.00 to have the shirt removed from little blue bits on the collar.

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Pearce in race row that doesn’t exist

On February 10, 2012, in News, by editor

England caretaker manager is embroiled in a race row that doesn’t exist after outrage was started by absolutely nobody. Tabloids hit on the fact that in 1994 Pearce failed to hold a door open for Paul Ince, a move he claims was completely accidental but what media outlets are describing as ‘totally f***ing racist’.

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Nothing else matters today, just party

On February 9, 2012, in News, by editor

Nothing else matters today, just party it’s been revealed after Fabio Capello finally got un-wedged from the England hot seat. Regardless of worrying about who might come in, or what might happen at the Euros people are being reminded that a man who loves Gareth Barry is no longer England manager, and that we should celebrate that fact.

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England manager Fabio Capello is preparing to kick FA Chairman David Bernstein in the nuts for one last shot at his big money payoff. The Italian, who has so far tried a combination of total incompetence and outright hypocrisy to see his contract terminated is now going back to basics and plans to pelt Bernstein right where it hurts to see if he can save any of his retirement fund.

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Kicking people cool, so long as UEFA still get money

On December 9, 2011, in News, by editor

Kicking people is absolutely cool, don’t worry about it; so long as you make enough money for UEFA for it not to matter. That was the conclusion of yesterday’s Wayne Rooney hearing, which saw the Manchester United striker have his ban for lashing out on a player’s legs reduced from three games to two. UEFA claimed the decision was taken because ‘you know, the sponsors were getting pissed and that.’

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Sixteen teams will today be left clueless as to what’s going on, as UEFA attempt to up their inept ability to make a draw look straight forward. Despite there being just four pots with four teams press are already speculating that the pick itself could involve an elephant and some kind of unstable time machine.

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