Tottenham stewards criticised for being efficient

On December 23, 2011, in News, by editor

Tottenham Hotspur stewards have been criticised for spotting problems and dealing with them efficiently. The team use video technology to identify potentially dangerous situations and stop them, a move which is being branded as ‘a breach of privacy’ by a group of protesters made up of people who spend much of their time trying to get onto reality television such as X Factor or ‘How to look good with your knob out.’

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There was shock last night, after it was revealed that Chelsea star Ashley Cole actually managed to retort something brighter than ‘your mum’. Cole was reportedly involved in a tunnel bust up with several Manchester City players after grunting ‘Channel 5, Thursday’, a feat sport scientists are calling ’simply remarkable.’

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Fernando Torres to dress up as a WAG

On November 30, 2011, in News, by editor

Chelsea goal avoider Fernando Torres is to dress up like Ashley Cole’s new wife, in the hope that nobody asks him to play football anymore. Francesca Torres-Cole will be in the stands for the weekend game at Newcastle United and has promised to talk about Versace, pout her lips and gossip about Cole’s genitals to the Daily Star. The move comes after the £50 million man finally realised that aiming a ball in a straight direction is simply not possible with modern day physics.

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Battersea Power Station to serve expensive sandwiches

On November 25, 2011, in News, by editor

Battersea Power Station could be the new home of overly pretentious sandwiches it’s been revealed. The plans would also see waiter service, overpriced tickets and dubious Thai massages make a move to the former power station under specs drawn up by some corporate hospitality specialists.

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Andre Villas-Boas left home alone

On November 24, 2011, in News, by editor

Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has been left home alone after his family flew to France for a holiday and forgot about him, it’s been revealed. The former Porto boss is currently speaking to old, homeless men at churches for life advice and putting on far too much aftershave as he fights to stop Roman Abramovich entering his house with a P45.

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Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas was sitting precariously above the electrified piranha tank last night, clutching his chair and explaining to Dr Abramovich why his incompetence shouldn’t cost him his head. The former up and coming, £15 million rated manager, who has obviously turned s*** over night, was pleading that henchman John Terry and Didier Drogba hadn’t played to his desired 5-4-1, thus costing the evil corporation hundreds of millions of dollars.

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The British Library is set to announce a new stadium sponsorship deal at Stamford Bridge which will see people reading in peace for many years to come. The institution has reached a deal with Chelsea Football Club to name the stadium ‘The British Library Bridge’ which will also see several stands renamed, the East Stand now becoming the ‘Non-fiction section.’

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England manager Fabio Capello is to seek guidance from the Football Association as to whether his captain John Terry is a complete and utter knobhead, it’s been revealed. The Italian coach is anxious to find out whether or not he can select for Terry for upcoming international games and says his attempts to decipher the character of the Chelsea skipper using friend compatibility websites have so far proved insufficient.

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Chelsea captain John Terry fell flat on his face at the weekend, and it was immensely enjoyable according to a public opinion poll. 83% of participants said the fall was the highlight of their footballing weekend whilst 67% went as far as to say it was the most enjoyable thing they’d ever witnessed. The editor of the DA commented ‘that may sound sad, but John Terry falls flat on his face. And it was awesome.’

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Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich was confused this morning after throwing some money at something and not getting it. The Russian billionaire used his normally reliable approach of taking lots of notes and dispensing them accordingly around his proximity but still lost a crucial vote to buy back the Stamford Bridge stadium from a group of ex Manchester United supporters.

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