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Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has used ‘Precog’ technology, as seen in the Hollywood movie Minority report, to fire new manager Rafa Benitez after the former Liverpool boss look set to lose his opening match against Birmingham City. The Precog was seen to leap up in shock screaming ‘Nooo, not Marlon King!’ before swaying from side to side and repeating the word ‘fact’.
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*Warning, this announcement may cause you to keel over with laughther*
Rafa Benitez hahahahahahahahaha, sorry we can get through this. Rafa…Benitez has been lined up to replace under fire Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas it’s been reported. Oh God, can’t hold back anymore ahahahahahahahahaa LOL!! LMAO ETC.
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Under fire Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas claims he still has the backing of his imaginary friend Pete, who gets him a coffee every morning and does impersonations of Ray Wilkins. The former Porto boss claimed Pete had twice come to him during the middle of the night to tell him that not only was Villas-Boas doing a superb job at Chelsea but that also, he was wonderfully good looking.
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Chelsea have played down sightings of Roman Abramovich bringing a sniper to training and watching intently on a nearby hill after reporters suggested it may be a bad sign. A club spokesman maintained that Abramovich was merely taking interest in his club and had in no way targeted Fernando Torres with a sniper gun ‘more than a few times.’
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Chelsea have completed an unsuccessful round of offering former footballer Fernando Torres to charity shops. Stamford Bridge boss Andre Villas-Boas claimed the Spanish international was even hidden under a large collection outside a shop door late at night, only for the owner of the store to smell a strong whiff of failure from his bedroom and demand the removal of the striker.
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Former Bolton defender Gary Cahill has admitted that it was impossible to turn down a club like Chelsea, so long as they gave him more than £80,000 a week and waved giant palm leaves in his face. The England international finally completed a move to Stamford Bridge yesterday after weeks of saying no to Chelsea, thus completely going against his earlier dickey statement.
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The concept of swapping Fernando Torres with Tottenham ace Luka Modric is probably the most hilarious thing of 2012 so far according to Spurs boss Harry Redknapp. The White Hart Lane chief claimed that making such a trade-off would make him the laughing stock of the Premier League and added that he’d be more inclined to trade some magic beans for Roman Pavlyuchenko.
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Chelsea are set to launch an audacious £50million pound bid to land Everton goal scoring ace Tim Howard, after the American goalkeeper kept up his fine goal ratio of 1 every 12 years. Stamford Bridge owner Roman Abramovich is keen to bring in a front man to end Chelsea’s reliance on Fernando Torres’ fine record of 3 goals a century.
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The eyebrow of former Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti reached new levels of forehead last night, after the Italian saw the figure French side PSG were willing to pay for his services. Onlookers said the eyebrow ‘touched fringe’ before plummeting back down the face with excitement.
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England has two years to enjoy life without Jose Mourinho saying something knobish all the time before the Portuguese manager makes a return to Premier League football. The current Real Madrid boss continued to be disrespectful of his ‘projects’ this week when he announced to the world that once he’s done the whole ‘Messiah’ thing with Real, he’ll probably just stroll back into London, turn Tottenham into wine and do his same old s*** of winning some titles and stuff.
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