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The Beatles have announced they’ll almost come back, but actually won’t. The decision to almost come back was made official by Sir Paul McCartney who went on to say ‘we nearly did, but actually f*** it, no let’s not.’
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The fountain of s*** spoken by top club executives was leaking again last night, after some big fat guy with a nice Rolex was opening his Dom Pérignon laden mouth to talk some c*** about another thing that would benefit the big teams. (Can’t even be bothered to research his name) said some s*** like ‘Aw, but what about the big clubs, and my money?’
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Raul Meireles was looking at us funny last night it’s been confirmed, after hiding behind our sofa for several hours waiting for him to leave the television screen. In a move that can only be seen as inflammatory the DA has asked whether Meireles may have the engine running but nobody behind the wheel.
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Cristiano Ronaldo has claimed that he’s ‘rich, handsome and a total codpiece’ following jeering from fans received earlier this week in the Champions League. The Portuguese plasticine model took time away from looking in a mirror to tell journalists his abs were like ‘mountains of awesomeness’ and that his dress code was ’sent from the heavens by the fashion police to enlighten.’
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Today’s annual Champions League group draw will feature a genetically modified squirrel hell bent on world domination, some cheerleaders dressed like jelly and Michel Platini singing Whigfield’s Saturday Night as once again clubs are left to wonder what the f*** is going on. The draw, famous for turning some balls in a hat into the most painstakingly dull extravaganza of all time, will take place in Monaco today amid speculation that some European football teams will draw some other ones.
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ITV last night defended it’s decision to air Edwin Van Der Sar’s testimonial match up against Schalke, after viewers complained they were convinced a semi final was supposed to be on somewhere. The game was largely Van Der Sar wooing the crowd by doing hand stands and attempted somersaults in his goal, and the only real excitement of the night arrived after Chris Smalling lost control of his keepy uppys in the penalty area to concede an unfortunate reply from the German side.
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Barcelona and Real Madrid are expected to escalate things quickly next week after confirming that football has absolutely no part to play in their Champions League semi final encounter. Last night’s street brawl at the Bernabeu was only ended after a reluctance to chip in and keep the floodlights powered, whilst Madrid boss Jose Mourinho stoked the flames by telling Barca chief Pep Guardiola and his players ‘como estan bitches’.
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Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has warned that Champions League opponents Thin Air could still cause a serious threat at Old Trafford next week if wind pressures over the Atlantic Ocean gain momentum. United strolled to a 2-0 victory against the tame weather last night taking advantage of a calm northern front but the Scotsman warned that 2 away goals is not always enough against worthy opponents such as heavy wind.
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Spurs manager Harry Redknapp has defended his decision to start bottle nosed dolphin Flipper against Real Madrid last night, claiming the player seemed to be coming on ‘leaps and bounds’ during training. Flipper flapped at a tame shot from Ronaldo early in the second half before ungracefully demanding a section of the home fans feed him fish as reward.
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Uefa rubbed further salt into Chelsea’s wounds last night by insisting they would’ve quite happily parted with the Champions League trophy for anywhere in the region of £50 million. President Michel Platini was keen to stress that whilst he would’ve hated to see an English team lift the prize, he’d much prefer to see his offshore bank account full of lots of zeros, and has urged Stamford Bridge owner Roman Abramovich to simply send a brown envelope with a smiley, rich looking face on the front next year.
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