Pearce in race row that doesn’t exist

On February 10, 2012, in News, by editor

England caretaker manager is embroiled in a race row that doesn’t exist after outrage was started by absolutely nobody. Tabloids hit on the fact that in 1994 Pearce failed to hold a door open for Paul Ince, a move he claims was completely accidental but what media outlets are describing as ‘totally f***ing racist’.

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Nothing else matters today, just party

On February 9, 2012, in News, by editor

Nothing else matters today, just party it’s been revealed after Fabio Capello finally got un-wedged from the England hot seat. Regardless of worrying about who might come in, or what might happen at the Euros people are being reminded that a man who loves Gareth Barry is no longer England manager, and that we should celebrate that fact.

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England manager Fabio Capello is preparing to kick FA Chairman David Bernstein in the nuts for one last shot at his big money payoff. The Italian, who has so far tried a combination of total incompetence and outright hypocrisy to see his contract terminated is now going back to basics and plans to pelt Bernstein right where it hurts to see if he can save any of his retirement fund.

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Kicking people cool, so long as UEFA still get money

On December 9, 2011, in News, by editor

Kicking people is absolutely cool, don’t worry about it; so long as you make enough money for UEFA for it not to matter. That was the conclusion of yesterday’s Wayne Rooney hearing, which saw the Manchester United striker have his ban for lashing out on a player’s legs reduced from three games to two. UEFA claimed the decision was taken because ‘you know, the sponsors were getting pissed and that.’

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England manager Fabio Capello’s method of pulling player names out of a hat have been questioned once again following an embarrassing draw which will see Frank Lampard captain England against World champions Spain. The Chelsea midfielder, who has failed to leave the centre circle for the national side going on 14 months now, will be forced to put on his serious face and try those really s*** shots he does every 5 minutes whilst Spain laugh in our faces.

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England manager Fabio Capello is to seek guidance from the Football Association as to whether his captain John Terry is a complete and utter knobhead, it’s been revealed. The Italian coach is anxious to find out whether or not he can select for Terry for upcoming international games and says his attempts to decipher the character of the Chelsea skipper using friend compatibility websites have so far proved insufficient.

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Capello to take Rooney for the eye candy

On October 14, 2011, in News, by editor

England boss Fabio Capello has said he intends to take Wayne Rooney to Euro 2012 so he can stare lustfully at him on the bench and wonder what he might look like in an England kit. The Manchester United striker will be unavailable for half of the tournament due to his fascination with other people’s calf muscles but Capello believes just having him around the place as a piece of eye candy will help deliver the prize.

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Rooney to miss summer but celebrates big bet win

On October 10, 2011, in News, by editor

Manchester United star Wayne Rooney admitted mixed emotions over the weekend, after Friday’s red card costing him a place at Euro 2012 also officially made him outrageously rich. Rooney, who was celebrating on his new private island called Barbados today, stuck £10million on himself to be the first player to be handed his marching orders at a cool 30/1 and managed to oblige with a cynical kick deep into the second half.

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England beat Wales despite no show

On September 7, 2011, in News, by editor

England were somehow able to record a positive score line over Group G rivals Wales last night, despite not turning up for the game. The 70,000+ supporters at Wembley stadium were forced to watch a Welsh side haplessly try and kick a ball into an empty net for 90 minutes only for one shot to cannon off the post and trickle all the way back into their own goal.

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England manager Fabio Capello has warned Liverpool striker Andy Carroll to stop drinking unleaded fuel directly from the petrol pump or face a career playing for Aston Villa. The Italian told Carroll in a private conversation released to every press network in the world that his habit of bathing in fuelling stations was not only leading to a future of health problems but also, despicable, despicable hair.

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