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‘You might want to listen to the FBI’ was the advice coming from experts last night as Sepp Blatter and FIFA came under investigation following evidence of corruption during the World Cup bidding process. Governing bodies across Europe advised that whilst it’s one thing to completely ignore claims from people not carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons, it’s completely another thing to ignore claims from people carrying stun guns and semi-automatic weapons.
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FIFA President Sepp Blatter finally proved that the engines running without a driver last night, after claiming that nothing that exists actually exists and anything that does exist, can be settled over a nice friendly handshake with some money in it. The hapless late night Karaoke singer went on to suggest that he would be branded a ‘hero amongst mortals, following in the footsteps of the likes of Mother Teresa and Superman.’
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Sepp Blatter organised a FIFA fair play day, here’s his quote:
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FIFA have blown the minds of mere mortals by suggesting a law that is so advanced and complicated just reading this summary might make your head explode. President Sepp Blatter has suggested that as early as 2012 a concept called ‘net-a-morphus impact shutter speed visual translation’ (code name: Goal line technology) may be possible in the real world.
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Football’s governing body FIFA have firmly laid down the law when it comes to goal line technology after banning Arsene Wenger from using the tool during the upcoming Emirates Cup hosted by Arsenal, and warning him that any attempt of any sort to try and see things clearer will result in a hefty fine to be paid directly to Sepp Blatter’s Swiss bank account. The Arsenal manager had been trying to test the technology during the friendly tournament set to be contested this month but FIFA has once again denied using ‘witchcraft’ to officiate over matches.
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FIFA president Sepp Blatter has turned to Barney the Dinosaur as the man who can save the football governing body from its spiralling corruption. Having already employed a quirky, crime fighting team of a former FBI agent, played by Bruce Willis, who is seeking revenge on those who kidnapped his daughter, a Spanish tenor (for soundtrack purposes) and several members of the original Wombles cast, including Bungo and Wellington, Blatter believes he may have found the perfect solution to combat highly sophisticated money fraud.
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FIFA president Sepp Blatter has announced that following his successful one man election campaign, likely to come to fruition today, he will present himself with a reasonably sized trophy, let off some fireworks and then parade the silverware on an open top bus parade of Zurich. Speaking ahead of the vote Blatter claimed he didn’t want ‘to jinx it’ but felt he had done enough to steal a march on his opponent absolutely no one.
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The BBC have released the first recording of madman Sepp Blatter since the head of FIFA fled into the Pakistani mountains and took shelter in some caves. In the muffled recording Blatter claims that FIFA is not in crisis and will one day rise up against the west with furious vengeance unless claims of widespread bribery are instantly subdued. Seen to be holding a World Cup Jabulani ball and the head of Michel Platini Blatter appeared weak and frail but gesticulated wildly at the camera as he maintained that no one in FIFA had ever taken money for nice things.
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Sepp Blatter has announced plans to continue playing Sensible Soccer on his Gameboy until 2015, should he be re-elected as FIFA president this year. The former Miss Switzerland (1987) has promised he should have enough bribe money to buy a small island by then and will happily step aside to let someone with a pulse have a turn. He maintained he would continue to fight the fight against Skynet’s evil goal line technology robots.
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FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to move quickly to kill the ‘non-existent’ corruption within football’s governing body by appointing a team of corrupt officials to watch over all the other corrupt officials and decide which pieces of corrupt activity are worth selling to the newspapers. The team will be hand selected by corrupted Sepp Blatter himself and will reportedly include politicians, finance experts and key businessmen, all well known industries for lack of corruption.
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