Your glorious leader

National Address

Great people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Steve Kean. I return from the war torn city of Stoke with a bucket full of fine Venky’s chicken under my right arm (or wing, ha! You all laugh now). Another glorious 5-0 victory was made all the more sweet by Manchester United’s failure to pick up a win at home to Newcastle United, not that it matters seeing as they were already 16 points behind our generous lead at the top. Another hat trick for your glorious centre forward Yakubu ensures it can’t be long before the Republic treat him to vastly spectacular statue outside home of the highest attendances in the Premier League.

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Investing money you’ve made frying chickens into Blackburn Rovers is probably not a very good idea it was confirmed last night, after the Venky’s group failed in yet another attempt to try and convince somebody to live in Blackburn. The Indian owners had promised Real Madrid legend Raul a personal, man-made island off the coast of Lancashire but the former Spanish international was concerned he’d still have to ferry to the mainland from time to time and touch stuff.

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Local county councils in Lancashire are inspecting the water supply for signs of hallucinogenic substances after Blackburn Rovers boss Steve Kean said he believed his side could qualify for Europe, and that his head was now the shape of a giant bunny. Kean made the claim that his Ewood Park outfit could qualify for a Europe in four years’ time leaving many questioning how on earth he could ever possibly assume he’d still be in charge in four years’ time.

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Blackburn Rovers owners Venky’s Group have admitted that, in hindsight, Steve Kean is a Scottish baldy after watching their side plummet towards the foot of the Premier League table. Having sacked the proven Sam Allardyce in exchange for the former Richard O’Brien stunt double the club now find themselves facing the real prospect of relegation from the top flight and Venky’s owner Colonel Sanders believes a hasty decision may have been made.

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ITV are to launch a one off New Year’s special edition of Blind Date, with the aim of aiding David Beckham to make his decision about which English club to join for a two month spell in January. So far 491 clubs have tabled a bid for the LA Galaxy star but only Tottenham, Blackburn and Newcastle will feature on the live show hosted by dating favourite Cilla Black this weekend.

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Former Blackburn Rovers manager Sam Allardyce was sacked on the spot at this year’s Ewood Park Christmas party after spending just 10% of his Secret Santa budget on a box of Celebrations for the new owners at Venky’s Group. Each gift was thought to be priced at around £50 and after Venky’s had already revealed Nigel Quashie as their present offering to the management team, ‘Big Sam’ was supposedly called ‘little pockets’ and immediately dismissed.

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Blackburn to launch new underwear and perfume range

On August 19, 2010, in News, by editor

Blackburn have announced radical new plans to rebrand its image of a simmering, post apocalyptic market town to become one of the fashion centres of Europe. Indian businessman Ahsan Ali Syed, who looks set to take over the reins at Blackburn Rovers football club, has promised to bring David Beckham to Ewood park and believes the town centre will benefit hugely from the Beckham brand.

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