Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com.

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Italy is facing a crisis of confidence this morning after discovering that at least 15 footballers aren’t throwing football matches for money. The investigation, which was carried out right the way through Serie A and Serie B, implemented thousands from local butchers to devoted nuns but the real shock came upon discovering that an entire squad could be built around honest football players not missing penalties or hacking somebody in the box.

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