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Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has used ‘Precog’ technology, as seen in the Hollywood movie Minority report, to fire new manager Rafa Benitez after the former Liverpool boss look set to lose his opening match against Birmingham City. The Precog was seen to leap up in shock screaming ‘Nooo, not Marlon King!’ before swaying from side to side and repeating the word ‘fact’.
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Chelsea have played down sightings of Roman Abramovich bringing a sniper to training and watching intently on a nearby hill after reporters suggested it may be a bad sign. A club spokesman maintained that Abramovich was merely taking interest in his club and had in no way targeted Fernando Torres with a sniper gun ‘more than a few times.’
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Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has been left home alone after his family flew to France for a holiday and forgot about him, it’s been revealed. The former Porto boss is currently speaking to old, homeless men at churches for life advice and putting on far too much aftershave as he fights to stop Roman Abramovich entering his house with a P45.
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The British Library is set to announce a new stadium sponsorship deal at Stamford Bridge which will see people reading in peace for many years to come. The institution has reached a deal with Chelsea Football Club to name the stadium ‘The British Library Bridge’ which will also see several stands renamed, the East Stand now becoming the ‘Non-fiction section.’
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Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich was confused this morning after throwing some money at something and not getting it. The Russian billionaire used his normally reliable approach of taking lots of notes and dispensing them accordingly around his proximity but still lost a crucial vote to buy back the Stamford Bridge stadium from a group of ex Manchester United supporters.
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