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Chelsea have played down sightings of Roman Abramovich bringing a sniper to training and watching intently on a nearby hill after reporters suggested it may be a bad sign. A club spokesman maintained that Abramovich was merely taking interest in his club and had in no way targeted Fernando Torres with a sniper gun ‘more than a few times.’
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Liverpool’s famous football stadium Anfield has been uncovered to be a bus depo after transport experts discovered that buses from all regions of the country were parking there on a regular basis. After checking the rota and examining UK routes it became clear that the Kop End of the Anfield pitch was actually the refuelling centre for bus trips to London.
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England manager Fabio Capello is preparing to kick FA Chairman David Bernstein in the nuts for one last shot at his big money payoff. The Italian, who has so far tried a combination of total incompetence and outright hypocrisy to see his contract terminated is now going back to basics and plans to pelt Bernstein right where it hurts to see if he can save any of his retirement fund.
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New Spurs signing Ryan Nelsen has officially been declared a giant after vertically challenged journalists failed in their bids to get a half decent photograph. Snappers complained of a stiff neck and a short complex after hours of shooting Nelsen holding a Spurs shirt from 9 foot below his head.
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Arsene Wenger has called on his team to treat every game from now until the end of the season like one of those cup finals they never, ever win. In a rallying call to his team he said not finishing seventh was still viable so long as everybody else suddenly started doing really crap and they managed to pick up some kind of point against West Brom or someone.
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Everton striker Louis Saha has revealed he didn’t realise how far a distance Tottenham actually was, and in hindsight will probably just stand in the same position and wait for them to come to him. The forward was speaking after Everton officials offered to give him a lift down to London, but Saha claimed even travelling all that way in a car would be a total and absolute ball ache.
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“We don’t really get the whole window thing?” literates were saying last night, after the Premier League desperately tried to sit them down and explain the concept. Wordsmiths have failed to see the connection between a bunch of money hungry agents flogging their client to QPR, featuring overlapping commentary from Bryan Swanson and a piece of space on a wall with glass in it.
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Officials have revealed that the UK’s airwaves were a mere 45 minutes away from complete and utter meltdown last night, as livid Arsenal fans prepared to call phone-ins and list all of the reasons why Arsene Wenger sucked so much. The north London club came back from 2 goals down in their FA Cup fourth round fixture to save the chaos and a senior official at the National Grid said Robin Van Persie had prevented ‘an explosion of tedious shit.’
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Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has asked both Anfield and Manchester United supporters to only hate each other a little bit, and to show it in positive ways, like calling somebody a wanker behind their back. Ayre was speaking ahead of a potentially explosive FA Cup clash this weekend and told fans to keep the rioting down to a minimum, so that he could continue to enjoy his sandwiches in the executive suite.
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Criticising a referee for being a prick is to replace the sport of football FA officials have confirmed. Saturday afternoons will now consist of following a referee around and disagreeing with absolutely everything that he’s doing.
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