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The Olympic marketing team have announced their entire promotion campaign will be based around David Beckham standing in different places and waving with at least one guy on a microphone saying ‘look, it’s David Beckham.’ The decision comes after the LA star revealed his desire to captain team GB, leaving thousands of overseas tourists clamouring to exchange football tickets with their first born children.
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Advice man
A man who has left his two, top clients either not playing or managing QPR is still being classed an ‘adviser’ according to some national newspapers. The typo told how Kia Joorabchian was heading to Paris to ‘advise’ Carlos Tevez on a move to PSG, a name earlier thought to be a strain of bird flu by the Manchester City striker.
Chelsea have completed an unsuccessful round of offering former footballer Fernando Torres to charity shops. Stamford Bridge boss Andre Villas-Boas claimed the Spanish international was even hidden under a large collection outside a shop door late at night, only for the owner of the store to smell a strong whiff of failure from his bedroom and demand the removal of the striker.
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Former Bolton defender Gary Cahill has admitted that it was impossible to turn down a club like Chelsea, so long as they gave him more than £80,000 a week and waved giant palm leaves in his face. The England international finally completed a move to Stamford Bridge yesterday after weeks of saying no to Chelsea, thus completely going against his earlier dickey statement.
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The concept of swapping Fernando Torres with Tottenham ace Luka Modric is probably the most hilarious thing of 2012 so far according to Spurs boss Harry Redknapp. The White Hart Lane chief claimed that making such a trade-off would make him the laughing stock of the Premier League and added that he’d be more inclined to trade some magic beans for Roman Pavlyuchenko.
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Manchester City executives were last night calling Carlos Tevez to say ‘hahahahahahahaha’ as negotiations came to a close with AC Milan. The want away striker was told in no uncertain terms that he now had a choice between trying something else for a profession or, worst case scenario playing for QPR.
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The Ipswich Town board have ended their search for the perfect excuse to sack under pressure manager Paul Jewell, after the under pressure manager Paul Jewell found them a perfect excuse to sack him. Speaking after last night’s defeat to Birmingham the former Bradford boss was embroiled in a sexist debate after falling directly into a journalist’s trap and reading ‘I hate women’ off of a prompt card.
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Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has been left on ‘like’ mode again at the worst possible time, as the White Hart Lane boss struggled to field questions about just who he’d fancy in the January transfer window. Assistant Joe Jordan has called in the engineer as the England head coach in waiting continues to hug journalists and smile politely at strangers.
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Former Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has vowed to fly kick French President Nicolas Sarkozy right in the face if voters support him in his new election campaign. Cantona is set to run in this year’s presidential election and the football/movie star has outlined his main policies based around shooting seagulls and growing more beard.
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A whole load of shit went down this weekend, with social media pages and national newspapers alike unable to keep track on which issue they wished to share outraged opinion on the most. QPR finally did what everybody knew they were going to do like a year ago, Paul Scholes came out of retirement in the space of an hour, Manchester United drew Liverpool at the perfect time to begin the whole end of the world in 2012 thing and for some reason beyond human explanation, Stewart Downing went to a night club in Middlesbrough.
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