New Spurs signing Ryan Nelsen has officially been declared a giant after vertically challenged journalists failed in their bids to get a half decent photograph. Snappers complained of a stiff neck and a short complex after hours of shooting Nelsen holding a Spurs shirt from 9 foot below his head.

Speaking about his experience one reporter said ‘all I could see was the man’s shins, and they couldn’t very well hold up a Tottenham shirt. At one point his head got in the way of the Sun and I thought the world was going to end. It killed all light and heat in the space of a second.’

Nelsen will go straight into the Spurs squad and admitted he was there to win trophies, adding he already had Wembley in his sites. He told the press ’seriously I can see Wembley from here. I’m that tall, it’s quite an easy spot when it’s not cloudy.’

Arsene Wenger has called on his team to treat every game from now until the end of the season like one of those cup finals they never, ever win. In a rallying call to his team he said not finishing seventh was still viable so long as everybody else suddenly started doing really crap and they managed to pick up some kind of point against West Brom or someone.

Speaking to the press following a 0-0 draw away at Bolton Wenger said ‘remember that cup final where Sol Campbell scored but then went back to trying to defend and we totally lost? Or that one last year where our goalkeeper and defender decided to hug each other instead of clearing the ball in the last minute? Yeah, we need to play like that from now on. Kind of how we already are playing, but more incompetently.’

He added ‘I want to finish this season how we finished those cup finals: dreadfully disappointed, and blaming all of our problems on the referee. Then it’s back to the seasonal struggle of fending off Barcelona executives with a shotgun. I love this club.’

Everton striker Louis Saha has revealed he didn’t realise how far a distance Tottenham actually was, and in hindsight will probably just stand in the same position and wait for them to come to him. The forward was speaking after Everton officials offered to give him a lift down to London, but Saha claimed even travelling all that way in a car would be a total and absolute ball ache.

He told reporters ‘I’ll stay here, and wait until Spurs play at Goodison. I’ve never been somebody keen to move anywhere and to be honest this spot’s getting rather comfy. I’ve been here so long my boot marks have actually started sinking in the floor. It’s cosy.’

He added ‘I can often hear defenders or midfielders asking me to come to them too. Tottenham are lucky I said yes really, I mainly did so because they asked politely and without any expletives. This can’t be said for our backline and it offends me. Can someone go take a pee for me? I’m pretty desperate but don’t want to get up.’

“We don’t really get the whole window thing?” literates were saying last night, after the Premier League desperately tried to sit them down and explain the concept. Wordsmiths have failed to see the connection between a bunch of money hungry agents flogging their client to QPR, featuring overlapping commentary from Bryan Swanson and a piece of space on a wall with glass in it.

A leading novel writer and poet claimed ‘I understand that through a window objects can come in, but that can be said of a door too, and let’s be honest a footballer is more likely to enter via a door. Why don’t they call it the transfer door? Or to save all debate the player entrance?’

He continued ‘it’s effectively a month in January where some teams try and get rid of shit and others seem reasonably happy to take the shit in. If anything, it sounds like a car boot sale, but with agents representing the old DVD’s and toys. Which only seems to add to the hassle of buying old shit?’

Officials have revealed that the UK’s airwaves were a mere 45 minutes away from complete and utter meltdown last night, as livid Arsenal fans prepared to call phone-ins and list all of the reasons why Arsene Wenger sucked so much. The north London club came back from 2 goals down in their FA Cup fourth round fixture to save the chaos and a senior official at the National Grid said Robin Van Persie had prevented ‘an explosion of tedious shit.’

He claimed ‘we were already getting a build-up on Radio 5 live and the presenters actually called us to red flag what was happening. They told us they had 6,000 callers named Dave on the M1 lined up ready to suggest that Arsenal were too young and needed a decent centre half. The sheer monotony of it all would’ve been enough to kill an airwave on the spot.’

Manager Arsene Wenger was delighted to spare the county a national crisis and praised his team for keeping calm under pressure. He told the press ‘I’ve heard that one forum could’ve contained enough angry drivel to take down a rhino. I’m only glad the world never had to witness had.’

Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has asked both Anfield and Manchester United supporters to only hate each other a little bit, and to show it in positive ways, like calling somebody a wanker behind their back. Ayre was speaking ahead of a potentially explosive FA Cup clash this weekend and told fans to keep the rioting down to a minimum, so that he could continue to enjoy his sandwiches in the executive suite.

Ayre claimed ‘whilst it great to see two sets of people outright despise each other for all the right reasons, we only want so much hating. Be English about it; build up your anger, keep it in and just spend hours and hours of your day at the office bitching to everyone about it later. It’s so much simplier than getting your lights knocked out by a guy with no shirt on.’

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson also looked to calm the mood ahead of the fourth round clash telling reporters ‘those scousers don’t have the guts to take us on. Chiiiiiiiiiickens. Whoops did I say that out loud?’

Criticising a referee for being a prick is to replace the sport of football FA officials have confirmed. Saturday afternoons will now consist of following a referee around and disagreeing with absolutely everything that he’s doing.

A spokesman for the former Football Association said ‘let’s not kid ourselves; football was always a hassle to organise, sorting out two teams, finding a ball and maintaining the league table. We’ve cut out all the unnecessary nitty gritty that was holding back the sport of referee slating. Now just turn up, call Howard Webb a prick and get home in time for some show with Ant and Dec in it.’

The first slate will kick off on August 8th with Phil Dowd running around a nature reserve awarding handballs for no reason. Tickets are on sale at the FA box office and fans are reminded they can purchase a special season ticket which will include the opportunity to give Mike Reily a wedgie.

Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com.

Yesterday, Manchester City chairman Khaldoon al-Mubarak spoke out about the Tevez situation for the first time. He claimed ‘when we started trying to offload him we had a number of clubs in the frame; the sort of frame you may be able to hang on a wall and call a centre piece. Now, I’d say the frame might fit one of those pocket photos you have done for passports, and that’s mainly just QPR. Everybody else non imaginary have told me where to shove my frame.’

Tevez has yet to comment on the name of his imaginary club but has announced their stadium to be located on an Argentine golf club and their manager to be a plucky young caddy who favours a nine iron. Tevez said ‘Our formation will be a right to left break, with a bit of a sloping green. Kia has kindly agreed to be our mascot.’

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp has been accused of hiding pet dogs from the Inland Revenue under the term ‘overseas bung’. The former Portsmouth boss, who began his trial yesterday has denied putting a kennel full of Alsatians in a bank vault to maintain his ‘no pets’ status with a landlord.

The court made a statement at the beginning of the trial which read ‘all those who love tiny little puppies should probably go away now. This man is accused of hiding dogs under the name of money and had no desire to pay veterinary bills or pick up poo from parks.’

Asked whether the DA had got the wrong end of the stick when it came to the story a spokesman for the site said ‘probably.’

Mario Balotelli is a dick again, until he does something awesome like take a piss in a school canteen reports have revealed. The headline making Manchester City forward took time away from his busy schedule of wandering round Manchester doing weird stuff with no facial expressions to play some football and kick someone in the head, leaving spectators to question ‘that didn’t seem so wicked awesome?’

The former Inter Milan star will now remain a dick for the next few weeks until he’s spotted giving gambling winnings to a homeless person or buying a giant Scalextric track from John Lewis. On his dick-o-monitor scale kicking somebody in the face falls just behind shaving his head to look like a treasure map and trying to back heel a corner.

City boss Roberto Mancini claimed ‘Mario is quite hard to judge sometimes. If he wants to kick someone in the head we say let the boy be creative. His methods are not always clear but when he makes so many right decisions it’s hard to question his motives. He bought Scott Parker a singing wall fish after the game so I think everything’s cool.’