The DA

Students as young as the age of five will be taught how to kick a football into a goal net from 12 yards, as part of a new Government initiative to cut back on hours and hours of excruciating agony. In a move Prime Minister David Cameron claimed would finally put an end to the cocking up of barbeques across the country, the standard curriculum would see school children squaring up against an overly confident European goalkeeper whilst their classmates insulted their mother.

Mr Cameron claimed ‘no one’s had a party ruined by poor grammar have they? Likewise I can’t remember a lack of mathematical knowledge being the reason why I made a dent in the wall with my fist. If we really are going to stop smashing a ball against a crossbar in the most daft of ways, we need to be bullying inferior penalty takers out of education from a very early age.’

A senior teacher on the education governing body added ‘whilst this could mean more training for our staff ultimately it’ll benefit them in the long run. For every child who scores they’ll be awarded a little trophy to highlight success. Every child that misses will be forced to sit in the ‘Darius Vassell corner’ and read the script to a lousy pizza advert all day long.’

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