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Caretaker England manager Stuart Pearce is set to throw Holland a curve ball ahead of this evening’s friendly by announcing the charismatic Mr Motivator as England team captain. Motivator qualifies for English citizenship having spent much of his life in the UK and having never represented his native Jamaica at international level.
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A business has reported a profit after selling stuff at a reasonable mark-up, thought to be the first situation of it’s kind in the UK. Arsenal Football Club took two assets they had purchased several years previously and sold them to customers at a much higher cost, delivering the profitable results and leaving Prime Minister David Cameron to call the strategy ’simply remarkable.’
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Stand in boss Stuart Pearce has proved he’s the right man to lead England forward by doing his hair. The former Nottingham Forest captain chose a tidy side parting and even wore subtle cufflinks with ‘boss’ written on them, which he purchased from Burton’s Menswear 2 hours before the press conference.
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The colour white can be found in use for many things, such as hotel towels
The DA can exclusively reveal that the new England shirt to be worn at the European Championships in 2012 will be white, after leaked Wikipedia entries revealed that we play in white. The makers Umbro have gone against tradition and removed the little blue bit on the collar, so that some idiots will pay another £40.00 to have the shirt removed from little blue bits on the collar.
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Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez has finally apologised for Manchester City following his refusal to come on in the Champions League, and now says he is willing to forgive them as long as he can join in kick abouts with them once more. The former Manchester United forward ended his exile by saying ’seriously, I quite fancy a kick about today.’
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*Warning, this announcement may cause you to keel over with laughther*
Rafa Benitez hahahahahahahahaha, sorry we can get through this. Rafa…Benitez has been lined up to replace under fire Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas it’s been reported. Oh God, can’t hold back anymore ahahahahahahahahaa LOL!! LMAO ETC.
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On the ropes manager Arsene Wenger has been forced to give Arsenal’s trophy cabinet to the authorities after evidence of under nourishment and obvious neglect.
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Under fire Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas claims he still has the backing of his imaginary friend Pete, who gets him a coffee every morning and does impersonations of Ray Wilkins. The former Porto boss claimed Pete had twice come to him during the middle of the night to tell him that not only was Villas-Boas doing a superb job at Chelsea but that also, he was wonderfully good looking.
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Arsenal defender (sort of) Johan Djourou is to take up an admin role at the Emirates Stadium in a bid to boost his value to the club. The former Bambi stunt double finally confessed that he’d exaggerated his glittering CV somewhat, and had actually been doing data entry work before his move to Arsenal in 2004.
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Celtic manager Neil Lennon will stand and yell at traffic ten times a year, to make up for the lack of Old Firm Derbies it’s been confirmed. The SPL was seeking an alternative to the infamous top of the table clash after Rangers Football Club were walked through exactly what a ‘tax’ is.
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