The DA

A whole load of shit went down this weekend, with social media pages and national newspapers alike unable to keep track on which issue they wished to share outraged opinion on the most. QPR finally did what everybody knew they were going to do like a year ago, Paul Scholes came out of retirement in the space of an hour, Manchester United drew Liverpool at the perfect time to begin the whole end of the world in 2012 thing and for some reason beyond human explanation, Stewart Downing went to a night club in Middlesbrough.

Speaking about all of this shit going down a spokesperson from the Daily Mail said ‘our back page is like a massacre of terrible, terrible news and quite frankly, we’re putting it on the wall and framing it. I’ve never seen something so beautiful: Endless devastation all meeting in the middle to fill one glorious page of epic destruction…Heaven.’

A national news journalist, with a strong follower base on Twitter who didn’t wish to be named added ‘there’s a lot of stuff happening and I can’t really keep up so I’ve devised a cunning plan to maintain my credibility. Everything is shit, and we’re all going to die.’

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