The DA

Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com.

Yesterday, Manchester City chairman Khaldoon al-Mubarak spoke out about the Tevez situation for the first time. He claimed ‘when we started trying to offload him we had a number of clubs in the frame; the sort of frame you may be able to hang on a wall and call a centre piece. Now, I’d say the frame might fit one of those pocket photos you have done for passports, and that’s mainly just QPR. Everybody else non imaginary have told me where to shove my frame.’

Tevez has yet to comment on the name of his imaginary club but has announced their stadium to be located on an Argentine golf club and their manager to be a plucky young caddy who favours a nine iron. Tevez said ‘Our formation will be a right to left break, with a bit of a sloping green. Kia has kindly agreed to be our mascot.’

Related posts:

• Man City fined after offering Carlos Tevez 100 families a week to stay
• Tevez faces another 8 week suspension on full pay
• ‘Yep, just QPR left. Have some of that!’ Man City tells Tevez
• Tevez refuses to be suspended
• Tevez still being a tool