The DA

Mario Balotelli is a dick again, until he does something awesome like take a piss in a school canteen reports have revealed. The headline making Manchester City forward took time away from his busy schedule of wandering round Manchester doing weird stuff with no facial expressions to play some football and kick someone in the head, leaving spectators to question ‘that didn’t seem so wicked awesome?’

The former Inter Milan star will now remain a dick for the next few weeks until he’s spotted giving gambling winnings to a homeless person or buying a giant Scalextric track from John Lewis. On his dick-o-monitor scale kicking somebody in the face falls just behind shaving his head to look like a treasure map and trying to back heel a corner.

City boss Roberto Mancini claimed ‘Mario is quite hard to judge sometimes. If he wants to kick someone in the head we say let the boy be creative. His methods are not always clear but when he makes so many right decisions it’s hard to question his motives. He bought Scott Parker a singing wall fish after the game so I think everything’s cool.’

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