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“We don’t really get the whole window thing?” literates were saying last night, after the Premier League desperately tried to sit them down and explain the concept. Wordsmiths have failed to see the connection between a bunch of money hungry agents flogging their client to QPR, featuring overlapping commentary from Bryan Swanson and a piece of space on a wall with glass in it.
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Officials have revealed that the UK’s airwaves were a mere 45 minutes away from complete and utter meltdown last night, as livid Arsenal fans prepared to call phone-ins and list all of the reasons why Arsene Wenger sucked so much. The north London club came back from 2 goals down in their FA Cup fourth round fixture to save the chaos and a senior official at the National Grid said Robin Van Persie had prevented ‘an explosion of tedious shit.’
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Liverpool managing director Ian Ayre has asked both Anfield and Manchester United supporters to only hate each other a little bit, and to show it in positive ways, like calling somebody a wanker behind their back. Ayre was speaking ahead of a potentially explosive FA Cup clash this weekend and told fans to keep the rioting down to a minimum, so that he could continue to enjoy his sandwiches in the executive suite.
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Criticising a referee for being a prick is to replace the sport of football FA officials have confirmed. Saturday afternoons will now consist of following a referee around and disagreeing with absolutely everything that he’s doing.
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Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com.
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Spurs boss Harry Redknapp has been accused of hiding pet dogs from the Inland Revenue under the term ‘overseas bung’. The former Portsmouth boss, who began his trial yesterday has denied putting a kennel full of Alsatians in a bank vault to maintain his ‘no pets’ status with a landlord.
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Mario Balotelli is a dick again, until he does something awesome like take a piss in a school canteen reports have revealed. The headline making Manchester City forward took time away from his busy schedule of wandering round Manchester doing weird stuff with no facial expressions to play some football and kick someone in the head, leaving spectators to question ‘that didn’t seem so wicked awesome?’
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The Olympic marketing team have announced their entire promotion campaign will be based around David Beckham standing in different places and waving with at least one guy on a microphone saying ‘look, it’s David Beckham.’ The decision comes after the LA star revealed his desire to captain team GB, leaving thousands of overseas tourists clamouring to exchange football tickets with their first born children.
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Advice man
A man who has left his two, top clients either not playing or managing QPR is still being classed an ‘adviser’ according to some national newspapers. The typo told how Kia Joorabchian was heading to Paris to ‘advise’ Carlos Tevez on a move to PSG, a name earlier thought to be a strain of bird flu by the Manchester City striker.
Chelsea have completed an unsuccessful round of offering former footballer Fernando Torres to charity shops. Stamford Bridge boss Andre Villas-Boas claimed the Spanish international was even hidden under a large collection outside a shop door late at night, only for the owner of the store to smell a strong whiff of failure from his bedroom and demand the removal of the striker.
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