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The eyebrow of former Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti reached new levels of forehead last night, after the Italian saw the figure French side PSG were willing to pay for his services. Onlookers said the eyebrow ‘touched fringe’ before plummeting back down the face with excitement.
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New York Red Bulls forward Thierry Henry has vowed not to mention the whole ’statue outside the ground thing’ in the dressing room unless Per Mertesacker really is playing that shit. The French star, who became an Arsenal hero during his previous spell at the club is set to sign a two month loan contract which will see him arrogantly stick his nose up at Alex Song and claim ‘that’s not how Patrick used to do it.’
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Fans were left wondering as to why they haven’t been able to laugh at Tottenham’s hilarious balls up last night, after the north London side continued to be awesome. Gareth Bale’s two goals against Norwich left Spurs as serious title contenders with many on-lookers questioning ‘what’s the deal here?’.
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England has two years to enjoy life without Jose Mourinho saying something knobish all the time before the Portuguese manager makes a return to Premier League football. The current Real Madrid boss continued to be disrespectful of his ‘projects’ this week when he announced to the world that once he’s done the whole ‘Messiah’ thing with Real, he’ll probably just stroll back into London, turn Tottenham into wine and do his same old s*** of winning some titles and stuff.
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Tottenham Hotspur stewards have been criticised for spotting problems and dealing with them efficiently. The team use video technology to identify potentially dangerous situations and stop them, a move which is being branded as ‘a breach of privacy’ by a group of protesters made up of people who spend much of their time trying to get onto reality television such as X Factor or ‘How to look good with your knob out.’
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Media rumour starters are dying to know who Man City boss Roberto Mancini meant when he said he was targeting a ‘Ni’Inty Points’ in the new year. Enthusiasts have already checked that he doesn’t play for Real Madrid or Arsenal and have now targeted football databases around the world so that somebody can get a picture of him looking really tired at an airport.
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Under siege Blackburn boss Steve Kean has revealed his secret to staying constantly positive revolves around a tremendous quantity of magic mushrooms. The Rovers manager claimed he was too busy fighting off inflatable gremlins to notice another home defeat on Tuesday evening.
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Aston Villa striker Darren Bent was last night questioning why anybody would want to sit through an entire football match consisting of Alex Mcleish tactics, after the striker was caught doing absolutely anything else. The former Sunderland front man was spotted shopping whilst his team mates were losing out to Liverpool but Bent insists he tried to stomach at least five minutes of the shit.
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The Democratic People’s Republic of Steve Kean – Bolton will be defeated
Your glorious leader
National Address
With every hair on my flourishing head I believe we can beat Bolton tonight. Our closest title chasing enemies Wanderers will be no match for our fleet of midfield warriors. Their very name suggests they have no great discipline.
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