The DA

Your glorious leader

National Address

Great people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Steve Kean. I return from the war torn city of Stoke with a bucket full of fine Venky’s chicken under my right arm (or wing, ha! You all laugh now). Another glorious 5-0 victory was made all the more sweet by Manchester United’s failure to pick up a win at home to Newcastle United, not that it matters seeing as they were already 16 points behind our generous lead at the top. Another hat trick for your glorious centre forward Yakubu ensures it can’t be long before the Republic treat him to vastly spectacular statue outside home of the highest attendances in the Premier League.

I would once again like to thank you for your tremendous support throughout the Stoke game. Without you, we may have only won 4-0. That’s probably not true but it was a long way for you to travel and as ever, the players and I appreciate your loyalty. Those banners calling for Roy Keane’s head were noted and the Democratic Republic will most certainly look into your request.

Will now face a busy run into Christmas but I assure you we intend to keep up our fine record of not conceding a goal all year. Paul Robinson, who has just been voted England’s best goalkeeper of all time by his peers will make sure of that. Otherwise, you may find we have a new goalkeeper in January, and that one will have a head and everything!

I’ll leave you to enjoy your Venky’s chicken. I believe it’s nugget night tonight, so tuck in, stay safe and celebrate our dominance over all who populate our Premier League.

Over and out. Keano (applaud now)

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