UEFA have delayed a decision to tell the FA in writing why Wayne Rooney was banned for 3 international matches, insisting they can find a better to express the fact that he ‘pelted someone in the leg with his right boot.’ UEFA wordsmiths are currently searching through dictionaries to find the perfect way to present the argument of ‘it was really quite a silly thing to do wasn’t it?’

A spokesman for the UEFA committee commented ‘we started out with ‘he kicked someone’ which seemed all too plain and easy for a five page report. So then we tried ‘he kicked someone really hard’ which still lacked a certain zest. I’ve had a check on a thesaurus and there doesn’t appear to be too many alternatives to the word kick but we are investigating whether we can use the term ‘lashed out’ as a substitute, which I rather like.’

The FA also made a statement regarding the affair yesterday telling gathered press officials ‘until we get written confirmation that it was a kick we can’t get all of our awesome lawyers to respond to allegations that he kicked somebody. We’ve heard mumblings that they’re going for the term ‘lashed out’ which we’re not really prepared for to be honest, so that one could be a game changer. Either way, he’s still a bit of dick really isn’t he?’
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