Football clubs are being reminded that they have just two days remaining to get down to the Arsenal summer sale and take advantage of the huge discounts on offer, varying from the arrogant, Danish forward range to a set of highly strung football defenders who can’t balance on either foot. For just £2,000,099 you could own your very own Armand Traoré, perfect decor for any front living room.

Store manager Arsene Wenger said ‘if you’ve not been in store yet then hurry down, stock is flying of the shelves extremely quickly. Just now we had a family in buying a lovely Theo Walcott to hang on their new garden decking and I think we may have just sold out all of our wonderful ‘overplaying at the back range.’ Remember 25% off until Thursday. You’d be crazy to miss it!’

One happy customer, a Mr Garry Cook wrote on the Facebook wall ‘I recommend the sales to anyone. Snapped up a couple of midfield wizards and a slightly chipped left back for just under £30mill, and the store assistants even helped me carry them to my car. The Free parking is also not to be scoffed at.’

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