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Police departments around the country are asking for citizens to be vigilant today, as Sky Sports continues to lurk in bushes and stop random cars asking for transfer gossip. Officers are particularly keen to hear from a Mr Bryan Swanson who has been spotted shouting ‘Harry Redknapp, get me Harry Redknapp!!!’ into an array of mobile phones throughout several regions of London.
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Football clubs are being reminded that they have just two days remaining to get down to the Arsenal summer sale and take advantage of the huge discounts on offer, varying from the arrogant, Danish forward range to a set of highly strung football defenders who can’t balance on either foot. For just £2,000,099 you could own your very own Armand Traoré, perfect decor for any front living room.
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The DA is finding it very hard to expand on Manchester United’s p***take of Arsenal the DA can reveal. So, instead we’ve employed some charming parrots to do our work for us.
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Your whistlestop guide to the weekend’s football action:
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Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his truce with the letter R, following eight years of avoiding it’s use. Ferguson famously became embroiled in a vicious argument with the alphabetic Q follower after Sesame Street’s Big Bird shouted the letter far too loudly, causing the Scot to knock over his porridge during breakfast. Until yesterday assistant manager Mike Phelan had been responsible for it’s use but Ferguson admitted it was time to make peace.
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Samir Nasri yesterday completed his move to Manchester City and confirmed his squad reference number to be IB312229337, housed in section C of the Garry Flitcroft wing on Campus 4. The French International will join the likes of Roque Santa Cruz, Wayne Bridge and Emmanuel Adebayor on Campus 4, known locally as the ‘one hit wonder isle.’
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Today’s annual Champions League group draw will feature a genetically modified squirrel hell bent on world domination, some cheerleaders dressed like jelly and Michel Platini singing Whigfield’s Saturday Night as once again clubs are left to wonder what the f*** is going on. The draw, famous for turning some balls in a hat into the most painstakingly dull extravaganza of all time, will take place in Monaco today amid speculation that some European football teams will draw some other ones.
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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger faces a new transfer dilemma today after his favourite pair of underpants handed in a written request to return to their boyhood superstore Primark. The underpants, who initially came as a set of three, have told Wenger that it’s their ‘ultimate dream’ to play alongside the likes of men’s belts and ties and would like to return ‘home’ as soon as possible.
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Manchester United are giving businesses the chance to sponsor ‘nap time’ at Old Trafford after revealing that the corporate logo deals for training kits, shower towels and Wayne Rooney food bibs have all been taken. Logistics company DHL were the last to snap up the available offerings committing to United training sessions (due to be shown on Sky Sports in full HD by 2014) and kicking off with the fiery classic between Manchester United XI and Manchester United U’17s, two touch.
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Listening to a single word that Gary Neville utters is about as pointless as a chocolate teapot Gary Neville has revealed, after claiming that everything he says is complete and utter donkey nuts. The former Manchester United skipper realised his ability of inane, un-insightful drivel after suggesting that playing for his country was often as much as a waste of time as listening to Gary Neville.
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