FIFA President Sepp Blatter has thanked the departing vice-president Jack Warner for ’saving him all the time and hassle’ of a made up hearing after the offshore bank account enthusiast tendered his resignation from football’s governing body. Warner had been due to face FIFA’s ‘ethics’ committee to explore what was in all those brown envelopes stashed under his bed but the Concaf representative has promised there is really no need.

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Some of England’s youngest stars proved to the world they were ready to step up to the senior, gut wrenching disappointment stage last night after haplessly falling to a 2-1 defeat against the Czech Republic in the dying minutes of their final group stage game. England were sent home after a tournament which promised so much failed to produce a single victory and manager Stuart Pearce believes he could already identify some players who are destined to miss in crucial penalty shootouts down the line.

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Alex McLeish thinks the new commute is a dream. Aside from all the egg throwing.

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The Football League have confirmed that every team within specific pre-arranged football leagues will play every other team twice, both at home and away, in between the months of August and May. Speculation had been mounting that the Football League would do such a thing and the governing body were forced to publish their plans at 9am this morning.

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Alex Mcleish has reassured Aston Villa fans that everything is going to be just fine, as soon as he can have all of his favourite Birmingham players join him at Villa Park and get rid of all that ‘Aston Villa rubbish.’ The Scotsman, who is to be announced as the new boss of the Premier League side today, has vowed to maintain the history and tradition of the side, so long as the future can involve Scott Dann and Seb Larsson, two players who should be popular with the Villa faithful, after helping rivals Birmingham sink into the Championship.

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Fans of Liverpool football club were last night trying to prevent their eyes from burning out after being exposed to Satan reinvented as a quite nice looking football kit. The bringer of all evil had chosen to add a hint of blue on the sleeve of the Anfield club’s 6th choice away kit, prompting supporters to realise that near rivals Everton also play in that ghastly, unique colour and their path must therefore be all fiery and stuff.

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Newcastle United chairman/supervillain Mike Ashley has promised manager Alan Pardew £35million to spend on Niall Quinn and Titus Bramble following the news that the St James Park first team is to be sold for some barbeque chicken wings. An impulsive Ashley, who is set to host the annual family barbeque this weekend claimed the ‘meat kitty’ needed filling up ahead of the big day and has ultimately been forced to part ways with any squad member who could prove they could kick a football in any particular direction.

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Former Newcastle United number nine Alan Shearer has said talks about becoming Cardiff City’s new manager have stalled, after the Match of the Day pundit found out that managing a football team did not involve repeating the same five lines week in week out and laughing at Alan Hansen jokes. Shearer was said to be in talks with the Welsh Championship side but was disappointed at interview stage when his top line of ‘that’s the sign of champions, grinding out results’ failed to impress.

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‘We miss Rob Jones’ says DA

On June 14, 2011, in News, by editor

All this talk of new Manchester United signing Phil Jones is making us long for the days of Rob it has emerged, after the Blackburn defender completed his switch yesterday afternoon. With his flowing locks of blonde hair and blissfully average right foot, Jones made a 90s household feel as secure and cosy as warm bread baking in the oven and the DA was demanding to know his whereabouts as soon as possible.

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A shipment of hastily prepared Alex McLeish dartboards made in China are being stored in Dover today awaiting the imminent order from central Birmingham. The former Scottish boss, who relegated second city Birmingham from the Premier League looks set to shun the loyalty shown in him by City bosses and take over at arch rivals Aston Villa, a move which many experts say will result in the Carling Cup winner facing a fairly heavy commute guarded by ex navy seals.

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