Newcastle United chairman/supervillain Mike Ashley has promised manager Alan Pardew £35million to spend on Niall Quinn and Titus Bramble following the news that the St James Park first team is to be sold for some barbeque chicken wings. An impulsive Ashley, who is set to host the annual family barbeque this weekend claimed the ‘meat kitty’ needed filling up ahead of the big day and has ultimately been forced to part ways with any squad member who could prove they could kick a football in any particular direction.

Ashley told the official website ‘don’t worry about it, it’s cool. Once the barbie is over I’ve promised Alan lots of money to cover the win bonuses of my new favourite laughing stocks Titus Bramble and Niall Quinn. Only thing is, I also plan to get rid of Alan and reappoint Graeme Souness, which he isn’t aware of yet. That could throw the old proverbial spanner into the works. Worse still, I’ve just heard that Ruud Gullit is available…’

When asked upon what Ashley based his management logic he claimed ‘I once saw that episode of Only Fools and Horses where the chandelier plummets to the floor from a really big height and everyone just stands and watches. I pretty much base all my decision making techniques on that one moment…Because I thought it was brilliant.’

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