FIFA President Sepp Blatter has thanked the departing vice-president Jack Warner for ’saving him all the time and hassle’ of a made up hearing after the offshore bank account enthusiast tendered his resignation from football’s governing body. Warner had been due to face FIFA’s ‘ethics’ committee to explore what was in all those brown envelopes stashed under his bed but the Concaf representative has promised there is really no need.

He said ‘me resigning has absolutely nothing to do with me not wanting you to look under my bed. Me resigning is about me proving my innocence by never actually having to explain myself, which as far as I’m concerned, is the most revitalizing feeling around. Right, if you’ll excuse me I think I’m going to go use my retirement savings to fund a holiday to the Moon.’

In an interview on the official FIFA website Sepp Blatter was full of praise for his former colleague saying ‘the fake hearing was really taking a lot of my time to pull together. I had just decided to make the cast of All My Children the jury and was debating on whether to hide the evidence or simply burn it. Jack, like a true friend has now spared me that time so I can focus on changing football for the better. Now get out of my hot tub would you?’

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