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A two year old child using toy brick blocks to assign FIFA rankings has chosen England ahead of Brazil in the overall world standings. Little Tommy, a prodigy of Sepp Blatter who started ripping open brown envelopes at just six months, was given the responsibility of hand picking FIFA’s crucial ratings list which helps determine seeds and groups during World Cup draws and the like. Using his small playset of colourful bricks he enjoys to stack, he grabbed hold of England fourth before drooling all over the block and trying to take a bite out of it whilst screaming.
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Neymar’s hair looks ridiculous the DA revealed last night, after studying several images in which the Brazilian star looks like a complete and utter pillock. The style is modelled on Sonic the Hedgehog being struck by lightning and is shaven round the back and sides to enhance wind resistance and t**t comparisons. A spokesman for the site said ‘I have never seen a hairdresser make such a balls up of one man’s head.’
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Spanish under 21’s goalkeeper David De Gea has revealed his contract stipulations and demands ahead of his proposed move to Manchester United which include a small bag of skittles by every post he plays near and the ruling that absolutely no one can look at his face during his stay in England. De Gea arrived for his medical covered by a blanket and shouted from over the cotton ‘Sir Alex said this was fine, don’t LOOK AT ME!!!!’
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The DA brings the Football cities united tour to Dublin , in association with Roganstown Golf and Country Club
We’re delighted to announce that following our season long tour of footballing cities in England, the DA is paying a one off visit to the city of Dublin to sample the Irish delights surrounding the beautiful game. Thanks to Roganstown Golf and Country Club the tour will stretch it’s oversea’s legs and take in three games in three days at the following venues:
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Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has begged the White Hart Lane board not to ask him to offload players for funds until he can control the beast within him capable of trading three crates of timber wood for a Nicolas Anelka. The former West Ham boss was visibly shaken at a press conference when posed the question of selling players for money and had to grab hold of his microphone stand as his shirt appeared to rip a little bit.
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And so another group of u21’s are instantly dismissed and chastised for their failure in this year’s Euro tournament and once again everyone turns to the eventual winners the Spanish and asks ‘well what are they doing that we’re not?’ In an attempt to keep up with the Joneses we’ve tried everything; putting our juniors in oxygen tents for 5 years, teaching the offside rule from the womb and stunting growth and avoiding haircuts in the hope that just somebody will look a bit like Lionel Messi. Everybody says technically we’re inferior and that projects like the Burton academy will help…But will it? To take one from the greatest film to never win an Oscar – Cool Runnings – why are we trying to do what the Swiss do? (of course, in football terms nobody is doing that.) We have our own style, and we always will. Why are we not playing to our strengths?
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A court has told Tottenham Hotspur and Leyton Orient that a ghost town populated only by David Gold singing half time karaoke is still preferred over having to re-open all those books and take another look at their decision. A judicial review found that the appeal to contest West Ham’s move to the Olympic Stadium had no grounds whatsoever and was interrupting severely with watching old episodes of Murder She Wrote.
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In a new feature for the DA, Andrew Allen takes a look at football in parts of the world less documented. If your team is in the Europa League, you may want to take notes from time to time…
Andrew Allen is the editor of whenwewereheroes.com
What a difference a decade makes. One minute the godforsaken people of war-torn Chechnya are trembling in the face of a relentless bombardment by Russian bombs, the next they’re watching their young President slide-tackle Diego Maradona while Craig David regales them with lyrics about his insatiable sexual appetite.
New Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas has asked the English media not to draw comparisons between him and mirror image Jose Mourinho, prompting the nation’s press to all put pen to paper on clever articles to describe why he is exactly like Jose Mourinho, just with a slightly more attacking style. Chelsea paid Porto £13million to release Villas-Boas from his contract in the latest chapter of the Roman Abramovich can’t admit he was wrong about Mourinho saga.
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Great Britain will form a football team for the London 2012 Olympics after heavy negotiations were finalised to exclude any individual in Scotland who owns a pair of goalie gloves. The stumbling block, which appeared to be pushing the bid off course means that Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey will now be free to join up with the England squad in time for the games whilst likely team captain David Beckham will have time to Google Northern Ireland.
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