The DA

Arsenal Football Club have confirmed an appeal to the high court, asking for legal permission to set up a 3 mile restraining order on all things Stoke City. As part of the order, long throw ins, ex convicts and upper body strength would all be forced to keep their distance from the North London club whilst Stoke manager Tony Pulis would be forced to seek Arsene Wenger’s permission before being allowed access into the south of England.

The bid comes after Arsenal once again fell apart at the Britannia Stadium and former Gunner legend Usedtoby Stronga claimed it’s time Wenger built a team from something other than matchsticks, Playdough and French centre halves. He told a local newspaper ‘watching Arsenal take on Stoke is like watching 11 little ducklings waddle out onto a road and stand face to face with an oncoming tractor. The problem is, they turn up every time thinking that they’ll just be able to stand there whilst it drives on over them. Unfortunately, as a spectator, we have to watch the carnage when it doesn’t.’

The defeat, alongside Manchester United’s victory over Chelsea leaves the Old Trafford side needing just one point from their last two games of the season to wrap up the title and United boss Sir Alex Ferguson declared ‘I think we’ll be ok, I’ve just seen we’re playing Blackpool. I don’t want to say it’s over but here’s an engraving pen and have the trophy delivered to our offices by Tuesday could you?’

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