Residents of the UK have been advised to check their letter boxes today, on the off chance you may have been drafted into the England squad to face Ghana this week. In yet another move to prove the complete pointlessness of international friendlies Fabio Capello has sent the majority of his side home and instead decided to rely on a Golden ticket system to call up any remaining squad fillers.

The Italian said ‘we team up witha the Mars Bar, and senda call up to your post flap. If’a you have’a the ticket, you play left midfield, just infronta the Chris Powell. Make’a the sense?’ The FA have heralded the campaign, which it claims will help rejuvenate grass roots football throughout the country. A spokesman claimed ‘this is your chance to cancel a 5 a side work fixture because of international call ups. What more could any grown human being ask for?’

So far only one golden ticket has been found by a Mr Emile Heskey from Aston, who is currently unemployed but who claims to have been a pretty decent footballer in his day. Mr Heskey told reporters ‘come on you must remember me? I scored when we beat Germany that time….5-1. Ring any bells? Hessskkkeyyy!!! Remember?…That’s it, get off my property.’

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