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As documented so well in one of Jim Carey’s finest hours the Mask, ‘the loaner’ was always supposed to be the last option. You’d turned to everybody else, every other scenario had been carefully thought through, but alas it was time to send for the help of… the loaner. That’s just the way it’s meant to be. In football it used to very much be this way too. I remember in my first years of watching football somebody would only come and help my beloved Wycombe Wanderers out if we were struggling with a bit of an injury or a backlog of suspensions for the month. Like a library book, if you kept that loanee for too long you were expected to pay for it. The idea that a player could feasibly come down and play for an entire season was rather absurd.
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Another FA Cup dream was made last night as the unfancied Manchester United were drawn a money spinning home tie against big spending Crawley Town in the 5th round of the historic competition. Their reward for scrapping past Southampton on Saturday will see United play host to one of the most expensively constructed squads in the country and chairman Joel Glazer said he can not wait to welcome the side pushing for the Blue Square Premier title and gain some much needed revenue for the struggling Old Trafford outfit.
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Richard Keys has just signed a deal with ITV to host a new Saturday night show to fill the Take Me Out slot. ‘Would you smash it?’ coming to your screens in the autumn.
Chelsea Football Club look set to complete a £25million pound swoop into the black market today after agreeing a deal with some dodgy looking guys in rain jackets to sign the ‘100 authentic’ Carles Puyol. The tradesman claim Puyol legitimately fell off the back of a lorry whilst being transferred to Barcelona’s away match at Zaragoza and is still wrapped in his original box.
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Setanta Sports were cursing their luck last night after Sky were left in absolute chaos following the departure of both Richard Keys and Andy Gray, with former channel owner Pier Qualitie admitting he was having a rummage round the back of the sofa to see what he could find for a re-launch. Keys and Gray were ousted after the weekend’s sexism scandal and have now announced plans to retire to a SAGA cruise ship together, in order to smoke some cigars and make dirty comments to ship waitresses collecting their soup.
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Two plants who reproduce through natural parthenogenesis are to be given contracts by Sky Sports in a bid to stamp out any further controversy on their flagship programmes Super Sunday and Monday Night Football. Bill and Ben, the Asexual flowerpot men, have both been awarded five year deals which will see them break ties with the BBC and scrap the ever popular ‘how to bed your plants (non sexually of course)’ currently on BBC2 peak time Thursdays.
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This is a difficult area to discuss when you’re in possession of a pair of testicles because unfortunately we’re on the wrong side of the fence in relation to this argument here. But like so many media circus stories it’s feels like you either have to choose one side of the other; it’s part of the drama that goes with all of these overnight press houndings. Like many things in life, it’s not as clear cut as that, and although what Andy Gray did was wrong, the inevitable outcome is that it’s been blown up out of epic proportions.
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The DA continues the Mitre Football cities united tour
For anyone who’s witnessed the cinematic magic that is When Saturday Comes, it’s very hard to enter the city of Sheffield without getting just a little bit excited. My first mixture of film and football saw Sean Bean don the Sheffield United shirt and effortlessly glide past 8 Manchester United defenders three times in 20 second half minutes to give the Blades a glorious cup victory, before snogging a hot Irish woman and ultimately curing his drinking problem. To put it bluntly, the fact that no Oscar followed is quite simply disgusting.
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Phone tappers and print paparazzi were holding their hands up with a look of embarrassment today after West Ham United confirmed they were set to sign Gary O’Neil from Middlesbrough. As the news broke several senior editors, who had mistaken the transfer earlier this month as a managerial swoop for former Villa boss Martin, reportedly sat down on their chairs and continually pummelled their heads against their office desk until worried onlookers forced them to stop. One anonymous editor said ’shhiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!’
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Andrew Allen is deputy editor at sport.co.uk
Every now and then committing to life as a penniless football journalist pays dividends – after roughly two and a half years working at Sport.co.uk I finally received my first invitation to travel abroad on a work related jolly…(cough) I mean business trip.
I say first, I was once offered the salivating prospect of three days in Spain watching beach volleyball…and yes, it did turn out to be too good to be true. I politely declined when it was revealed I was due in the front row of the men’s World Cup for 72 hours of non-stop budgie smuggling action. If I want dodgy male related beach ball antics I’ll just follow Darren Bent’s career. Talking of which, £24 million Monsieur Houllier? What could possibly be the need when you have Emile Heskey waiting in the wings?
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