The DA

The English World cup bidding team were accused of double standards last night, after criticising the FIFA executive board of corruption only to reveal we tried to bribe the living s*** out of them. Mayor of London Boris Johnson has rescinded an offer for the FIFA team to stay at no cost in the Dorchester Hotel whilst the Olympic games took place in 2012, whilst Pizza Express and other high street chains have also announced that any buy one get one free food vouchers used by Blatter will not be valid.

Meanwhile England star David Beckham is currently having a tattoo which reads ‘I heart Jack Warner’ removed and Prime Minister David Cameron is desperately trying to put the breaks on a proposal to rename Swindon ‘Platiniton’. Johnson denies the team were in anyway trying to sway FIFA’s final decision. ‘It’s only a bribe if you get caught handing over money. As soon as you cut the middle man and just buy the nice, expensive things yourself it merely becomes a flattering gift. The bad thing about money, as we’ve recently discovered with Ireland, is that you can’t ask for it back.’

The FA have called for reform within FIFA and acting chairman Roger Burden has even quit his post citing the fact he did not want to work with the executive committee. Burden claimed he couldn’t possibly trust ‘men who take bribes then don’t even vote for us.’ Burden also advised that until the full details of England’s bid become public we should hold off slating Russia over corruption claims. He added ‘I don’t want to say too much at this stage but put it this way; don’t be surprised if you see Issa Hayatou playing the lead role in the next James Bond movie… A lot of weird, weird s*** was promised…’

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